All Things Must Pass

It’s not always going to be this grey
All things must pass
All things must pass away
— All Things Must Pass, The Beatles —

I haven’t had a desire to do much of anything lately but somehow I got the energy (and fortune) to figure out how to get my original blog design back. I prefer the format since it’s wider even if the beige gets kind of drab. I also reorganized the blog categories. I’ve become a bit of an organizational freak in the past couple of years. I’m a child of the Real Simple era, I suppose.

I have a whole post just kind of brewing in my mind and it has been for the past two weeks. I’m just taking a bit of a break and trying to figure out which direction I want to take this blog now. I’ve talked about suicide, thought about suicide, and attempted suicide but never remotely encountered anyone who’s actually done it. Now it’s hit my family, and I’m still figuring out what it means to me, my husband, and his family. We have a counseling session tomorrow night so I’m sure we’ll talk more about it then.

In the meantime, work at the ad agency has either been completed (pushed out the door) or is currently in the planning stages, which means I don’t need to go in tomorrow but am tentatively scheduled for Thursday. I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow and have been avoiding checking my e-mail like the plague. I’ll suck up the courage to look at it sometime soon.

 

Also, I gave my husband Bob Thompson guest author privileges. He’s currently deciding on whether to make a blog post on his grandfather’s suicide and its repercussions in the future. He might or might not. My husband’s not particularly fond of writing but it’s just a heads-up.

In the meantime, be well.

P.S. I’ve been on a Beatles trip lately so I’m probably going to be quoting apt Beatles lyrics for a lot of my future posts.

Loose Screws Mental Health News

The London Free Press reports that more than 80 percent of employees admitted to taking a “mental health” day. Most people took the day (or days) off because of work-related stress. Others called out because they were tired, bored, or lacked motivation to go to work that day.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists published a report about a month ago that concluded abortions can lead to mental illness. This is significant considering that many psychiatrists in the mental health industry deemed carrying out an unwanted pregnancy to term far more of a mental health risk than getting an abortion. However, the report seems to be echoing old information: in 2006, the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry arrived at the same conclusion in young women who had abortions.

At last, New York victims of the 9/11 attack are getting assistance with their mental health benefits. Newsday reports that the benefit program “will reimburse out-of-pocket costs for mental health or substance-use treatment through a claims process similar to any insurance benefit.” These costs include outpatient services, medication related to treatment, lab work, and psych evaluations.

Unfortunately, the benefit only applies to those living in the New York City boroughs or are workers of the city. Anyone from NYC who’s curious to find out about whether they’re eligible can dial 311 or go to www.nyc.gov/9-11mentalhealth.

Finally, in more sad military news, the Veterans Health Administration admitted that about 18 vets a day—126 per week—commit suicide. This news comes on the heels of the study that found mental illness is increasing (or is being identified better) in U.S. troops.

Bipolar & the Workplace

I was surprised to see an ABC News article on bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is the “hip” mental illness these days — especially when used to characterize someone with extreme mood swings. One section addressed admitting to bipolar disorder in a work environment:

One day, he let it slip.

“I just blurted it out. ‘I’m sorry I’m getting shock treatments. I can’t remember anything,'” Steve said. His colleagues’ reactions were less than encouraging, he recalled.

“I would say that they were afraid of me,” Steve said. “They stopped referring their clients to me.”

Steve said that eventually his colleagues’ attitudes forced him to leave his job.

I admitted my problem to three people at my job: my managing editor at my last job and three of my coworkers (one with whom I am still friendly).

  • The managing editor, who had picked on me mercilessly, finally backed off. As far as I know, she didn’t tell anyone which I appreciated.
  • One of my coworkers admitted she had depression to me first before I told her I had bipolar disorder. It’s understood between us that we won’t go around and talk about these things.
  • The other coworker also told me about her journey through depression and her treatment afterward. I then revealed my struggle with bipolar disorder. We are friends outside of work now.
  • I’d told the last coworker about this shortly after I received my diagnosis after being released from the psych hospital. As far as I know, she didn’t tell anyone. But in the end, she’s the one who said the hurtful things about me in the e-mail I inadvertently received. It’s anyone’s guess if she told other coworkers or if she completely forgot.

From Bipolar Journey:

My experience is: work is work.  Outside of work is where one gains support for any illness they struggle with.  Acknowledging my response is skewed on the basis of recent events, I can’t recommend telling anyone you work with about one’s illness.  I should have kept to my Psychology professor’s advice:  “Never tell anyone you work with about your illness, trust me when I tell you:  they will treat you differently.”

I attended an outpatient group in late October 2006 after my hospitalization. One lady said that one of her coworkers admitted she was bipolar; since then, the coworker was teased and verbally abused by her supervisor and other coworkers. I’m not positive but I think the person might have even gotten fired lest her disorder interfere with her ability to do her job. (She cleaned pools.)

People with the disorder often have trouble keeping a job and are 40 percent less likely to be employed than the average person, said Ronald Kessler, a public health researcher at Harvard University.

On the other hand, Kessler said, if treated properly, they can be creative and invaluable individuals. Many highly successful authors, artists and professionals have the disorder.

I’ve seen statistics like this before and they worry me. I constantly wonder whether I’ll ever be able to hold down a full-time job for a long period of time. I’m currently unemployed and – to my disbelief – enjoying it. I’m afraid I’ll get lazy and never go back to work. I’m afraid that I’ll start to go in and out of jobs like a revolving door. One of my psychotherapists in college flat out told me that I’d never be able to hold down a job.

As I try to venture into editorial freelancing, I’m afraid of a host of things: outdated skills, inexperience, lack of confidence, failure, libel, confrontation, socializing, networking, creating expectations (of myself) that I never live up to. My counselor told me to just jump in and do it first then worry about the details later. [deep breath]

failureI fear failure the most. Failure that I’ve forgotten my editorial skills because they haven’t been used daily since 2005. Failure that editors will write me off because I’m a 26-year-old with unimpressive clips like “Bees Infest Dorm Hall” (yawn), “Student Organization Rallies Youth to Vote” (so cliche), and “Penn State Strikes Deal with Napster on File-Sharing” (Nov. 2003 = old). Failure that I’ll write an article, misinterpret the facts, and then get the publication slapped with a lawsuit. Failure that I’ll have to be “pleasantly persistent” in calling up editors, asking for prompt payment of my freelance services. Failure that I will intentionally avoid things that would otherwise propel my career: attending social mixers, networking, doing all the social things that makes my blood run cold because I hate meeting new people (in person). Failure that I’ll look at past awards I’ve received and then never live up to the reason why I received them in the first place. I don’t want to blame bipolar disorder from holding me back but sometimes, I can’t help but think where I’d be in my professional career without it.

(Image from gobears.wordpress.com)

Suicide and baseball

I’m suicidal right now. And it sucks.

According to my mood rating, yesterday I was a 0. Then I forced myself into a 10. I really felt more like a 5. I’m a 3.2 today: moderately depressed, passing thoughts of suicide with some difficulty functioning.

I know exactly what’s triggering my suicidal thoughts: my stupid assumptions about how my co-workers and boss feel about me.

I’m a total people-pleaser. Despite my assumptions, I have a tendency to read people quite well. I can tell when they don’t like me, when they do, and when they’re pretty much ho-hum about me.

I have two co-workers that are basically annoyed with me because of my absence on my birthday Friday (I know this because they were fine on Thursday), my boss is "ho-hum," and the rest of my co-workers don’t really care. (More later throughout the week on my birthday weekend.)

My husband continues to remind me that I need to keep my thoughts focused on God. My suicidal tendencies develop because I’m so self-absorbed that I take my focus off of God.

I want to kill myself as I way to punish my co-workers. There. I said it. I want to kill myself because two people are annoyed with me. (And I know they’ll get over it; they always tend to.) But I can’t stand the cold, stony silence. I can’t stand not knowing what people are thinking about me. I can’t stand the cold e-mails I receive when I try to be warm and friendly.

I have a lot to do at work. I’m a little overwhelmed because I’m still quite new, but I’m doing my best to keep up with things here. I should be currently working, but I’m taking the opportunity to use my 15-minute paid break as a way to relieve the pain that’s beginning to develop in my mind and heart.

It’s totally stupid to kill myself because TWO people don’t like me. I have a whole bunch of family and friends who love me to death (npi) and I’m suicidal because TWO people are currently annoyed with me.

I realize how silly that is.

Read the rest of this entry »

Loose Screws Mental Health News

A new Canadian study has found that most workers who struggled with depression had job performances were affected. (Nothing new here, right?)

“On average, the study says, depressed workers reported 32 days in the past year during which symptoms had resulted in ‘their being totally unable to work or carry out normal activities.’”

Seems like people really are taking ‘mental health’ days these days.


Bahrain is having a problem with Indians committing suicide in the country. In January, so far, three Indians have killed themselves. Triggers leading up to the suicides are theorized to be “mental or economic depression, stressful working conditions, low wages and poor housing.”


According to Dr. Brian Doyle, people with ADHD are at a higher risk for mood disorders such as major depressive disorder.

“In a recent study, 38.3% of individuals with a primary diagnosis of ADHD during the previous 12 months also had a mood disorder, compared with 5% of subjects who didn’t have ADHD.   The reverse is also true; individuals who have major depression are likelier to have ADHD than other persons.   In a Massachusetts General Hospital survey, 16% of adults with a primary diagnosis of major depressive disorder had a lifetime history of ADHD.”

Maybe I’m tired right now, but I couldn’t wrap my head around those statistics. Basically, if you’ve got a primary diagnosis of ADHD, you’re likely to have a mood disorder; if you’ve got MDD, you’re likely to also have ADHD; and if you’ve got a primary diagnosis of MDD, you probably have had ADHD for pretty much your whole life. That’s a lot to swallow.

“I am trying to screen more of my depressed patients for ADHD — especially if the patient’s depression is not responding well to treatment. The standard ADHD rating scales are a good place to start.”

I’ve heard it’s hard to screen adults for ADHD; on the flip side, I’ve also been told that it’s more difficult to find ADHD in women than in men. Dr. Doyle’s definitely on the right track here in keeping his eyes open for better ADHD screening. Perhaps I really do have ADHD.


While many celebrities are “outing” themselves on their depressive episodes, Dr. Deborah Serani’s got a list of other well-known people who have either admitted to or speculated to have experienced depression.


I’m late on the bandwagon with this but a study released in December shows that displaced women in Darfur suffer from severe depression. According to an article in Ms. Magazine:

“The International Medical Corps (IMC) posits that women’s multiple roles in society, along with constant stressors like low socioeconomic status, domestic violence, and the threat of rape when venturing outside, may account for the poor mental health of these displaced women. Women’s restricted access to education may also affect their ability to access proper care and make informed decisions about their own physical and mental health.”

And to think those of us in developed countries have problems.

“Almost one-third (31 percent) of women surveyed met the criteria for major depressive disorder while 63 percent reported suffering the emotional symptoms of depression. Five percent reported suicidal thoughts, 2 percent had attempted suicide, and another 2 percent of households had a member commit suicide in the past year. Nearly all of the respondents (98 percent) felt that counseling provided by humanitarian agencies would be the most helpful way of dealing with these feelings.”

It’s good to see that an overwhelming majority of women feel that counseling would help them. Sometimes, people in Western/developed countries take therapy for granted.

“Though depression rates are comparable to, or even lower than, those of other populations displaced by similar conflicts, the rates of suicide and suicidal ideation are ‘alarmingly high in contrast to general rates worldwide,’ according to the report.”

This, unfortunately, makes sense. Suicide is a reaction to ending constant pain. I admire women in Darfur who choose to live despite never-ending pain.  This article puts me to shame somewhat. I am incredibly blessed to have all the amenities of this country and encouragement and love from family and friends. However, I feel pretty stupid when I fall apart over minor things compared to the women in Darfur. It’s an awful cliché, but “I really do have a lot going for me; why am I depressed?”


ViagraFor men: Are you depressed and can’t get an erection? Don’t worry – Viagra can kill two birds with one stone!

A Canadian study (yes, another one) says that Viagra (sildenafil) can help improve mild depression and, of course, aid impotence in men.

“Dr. Sidney Kennedy and his team studied 184 men who had had erection problems for about four years and also met the criteria for minor, but not major, depression.

[After six weeks of treatment], the 98 men who received sildenafil had a 47 per cent reduction in their depression scores, indicating a change from mild to minimal depression. In comparison, men taking placebos had only a 26 per cent decrease in their scores, which remained in the range of mild depression.”

Pfizer’s getting their sales reps started on this one. Expect to see reps carrying Viagra brochures and info to psychiatrists eventually.