Con te partirò

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about this blog, mainly since I haven’t been blogging. If you’ve emailed me, I haven’t answered because I haven’t logged in to the email associated with this account. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that it may be best to terminate this blog.

You can continue breathing. I will not hit the delete button tomorrow. Or the day after even. I have—what I consider to be—a wealth of information stored in this blog and I hope to export the posts I have and import them into another site. It’ll be an extremely long and arduous process, especially since I will need to update all internal links. Despite the immense amount of time I’ll be putting into doing this, moving this blog to a free blog host will save myself $12 a month. Twelve dollars is a lot to spend for only regularly publishing Quote of the Week and not having a paying job right now.

I have also dropped off the face of the blogosphere. I have not been able to keep up with many of you—as interesting as you all are!—and this has led me into feeling guilty and also kept me away from blogging.

I recently finished reading a book called The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero for the women’s Bible study I attend on Wednesday mornings. He outlines six principles for an emotionally healthy church but I believe those principles can be applied to being an emotionally health person as well. The principle that spoke to me most was Principle 4: Receive the Gift of Limits.

Within Principle 4, Scazzero discusses “Learning to Discern My Limitations.” He expands on the following points:

  • Look at your personality.
  • Look at your season of life.
  • Look at your life situation.
  • Look at your emotional, physical, and intellectual capacities.
  • Look at your negative emotions.
  • Look at your scars and wounds from your family past.

I’ve evaluated these points in my life and am learning to discern my limitations. The season of life and life situation I had when I began this blog is much different than what it is today. I had less responsibilities, struggled significantly more with depression and suicidal thoughts, and had more time on my hands to blog and research. (And Facebook didn’t seem so appealing back then!)

Your season of life is also a God-given limit. Ecclesiastes teaches us there is a time or season for everything under heaven: There is “a time to plant and a time to uproot … a time to weep and a time to laugh … a time to be silent and a time to speak” (Eccl. 3:1–8).

I planted this blog back in July 2006 and boy did I ever speak. Now, I am silent and it is time for me to uproot. This blog has served its purpose and I would like to relocate it somewhere where it can continue to serve as a resource for people. I know I have many links throughout the web that will become inactive and broken. I will lose readership. I will need to rebuild a blog presence should I choose to continue writing about mental health issues. I have not lost my interest in writing about the subject; my season of life and life situation currently limit it. I must devote my precious time and energy to my novel now. And my personality—that guilty feeling that haunts me for not blogging and reading others’ blogs like I used to—cannot handle it right now. I am learning to discern my limitations. I have reached my limit with this blog.

Read the rest of this entry »

My online life is getting to be too much – I'm taking a hiatus

I’m currently taking a hiatus from blogging, my email, and my Facebook account. I don’t expect it to last too long but I’m really backed up—online and offline—and feeling overwhelmed. If you need to reach me, I am still on Twitter. Twitter doesn’t take much brain power.

Possible light posting; other ways to keep track of me (if you're so inclined)

stressedI’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment because I have a hundred-and-one things to do and I just don’t know where to begin or how to tackle them all. I’m terrible at prioritizing. So here’s my requisite blog update lettin’ ya’ll know what the deal is. Until I’m no longer suffering a quasi-panic attack at the computer, this blog entry will have to suffice. I’m currently at a mood level of 4. I’m using Twitter a bit more frequently now (through my iTouch) so you can always follow me at www.twitter.com/mama_kass or just scroll down the left sidebar to the Twitter Updates.

In the meantime, donate to Philip Dawdy during his spring fundraiser and get a load of this.

December

I have since learned that December is also a hard month for me. December has certain markers, so to speak, that jump out at me throughout the month.

December 9 — The day my father died
December 14 — The day I found out
December 17 — The funeral
December 18 — The burial

Makes for quite a depressing Christmas. Even though he passed away only 7 years ago, it still hangs a dark cloud over my head. It takes me so long to get into the “Christmas spirit.” I now settle into the Christmas mood a week before the holiday, which is somewhat frustrating because it took me almost a month to finally enjoy hearing Nat King Cole’s smooth voice crooning through the ceiling speakers at Barnes and Noble.

I think celebrating Advent next year might help, however, I never know much about the season anymore since I no longer attend Catholic church and the Presbyterian church I attend doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. I need to remember that Christ is “the reason for the season” (yes, I know it’s trite) but the materialism surrounding Christmas really does a good job of distracting me from focusing on that. Materialism is tangible; Christ is not. But materials are temporal; Christ is eternal. Something to keep in mind.

I’ve been incredibly busy lately and have gotten pretty sidetracked from blogging. I’m traveling a good bit this (and the coming) year, trying to get a personal website up and running, running errands and accomplishing chores, trying to fit in exercise, spend time with friends and family, attend (usually) church-related activities, and make time for myself at night. My life in the past 2 years has moved faster than I could even imagine or fathom. The introduction of children could only make it crazier.

How’s my mental health in spite of all this? Well, I was doing pretty well most of the year with the exception of my “normal” dive in August. Lately, I’ve been dealing with some suicidal thoughts again. Mostly passing and no serious urges but the idea of trying has been tempting. I mentioned recently that I’ve felt a “need to prove” that I am serious about committing suicide. It’s a serious pride issue. Why should I care whether people think I’m suicidal for attention or not? That doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t be more concerned about what people think of me. Rather, I should be more focused on living my life to please God and for His glory.

I’m currently reading a book by J.I. Packer titled “God’s Plans for You.” (You can read a preview of this book through Google Books.) Lately, I’ve been struggling with what I should do with my life. I’m experiencing what has been deemed a “quarter-life crisis.” It’s like a mid-life crisis but with different challenges. Usually those challenges are related to career and vocational decisions. The mid- to late-twenties is the time when college grads are hit with the reality that full-time work isn’t as idealistic as they hoped and they are faced with the grim realization that some—or many—of their dreams may never come true.

This is becoming the case with me.

I obtained a degree in print journalism and a minor in English, hoping that I could enjoy working as a reporter or copy editor in the newspaper or magazine industry. It started out that way but then a move to Pennsylvania and a switch to daytime hours and a lack of clips set me back and now I am a freelance proofreader. Granted, I’m fortunate to even be a freelancer at 26 but proofreading at an ad agency was NOT what I had in mind when I took on my student loan debt.

While I enjoy the people I work with and have become more comfortable with the materials that come across my desk, I again have fallen into the perfectionism trap. I had a week where I caught a string of my own mistakes that I’d missed (other people—non-proofreaders—had caught them) and it was extremely discouraging. This has led me to wonder whether I’m even in the appropriate field. Now, I have a desire to pick up writing again (as opposed to sole editing) and am frustrated at my lack of internal motivation. I’m even beginning to wonder whether I should go back to a full-time job because it’s tough not knowing when a check will drop in my lap during any given day of a month and the fact that I am a terrible boss and employee when it comes to meeting my own deadlines. I’m even afraid of getting audited come tax time.

All in all, I’m currently facing a slew of decisions. Where to take my career and the prospect of motherhood, which may be hindered by my Lamictal (lamotrigine) treatment. I don’t want to be taking Lamictal during a pregnancy unless absolutely necessary and right now, I don’t feel that it’s absolutely necessary. I would like to take the risk and come off of it to see what happens but so far, it sounds like Lamictal withdrawal can be hellish. Lamictal during pregnancy raises the risk of a baby being born with a cleft palate. The likelihood of that happening to me is low and even if it does happen, it’s fixable but why take the chance? I’m also the super-psycho freak that will halt topical steroid medication of my eczema and zealously check all toys “Made in China” for lead.

Gianna at Beyond Meds and CLPsych over at Clinical Psychology and Psychiatry have written pieces on how Lamictal’s efficacy has been shown to be no better than placebo. This is something I intend on writing about soon considering that I’m one of the patients who could probably (currently, anyway) sing the wonders of the drug.

So there’s the update. That’s what’s going on in my life. I hope that you are all well. I likely won’t post again before 2009 so I’d like to wish you all a Happy New Year!

Mood rating: 5

Thank God November's Over

I've been on a long hiatus and hope to get back to blogging soon. For those of you who have sent emails, I hope to respond this week.

As for that November novel, I completed it at 43K but wrote an unnecessary chapter to hit the minimum of goal of 50K.

Catch up with ya'll later.

Requisite Update

There’s nothing much going on. My brain is mush and no matter how much sleep I get, I’m constantly tired. My husband is convinced that my fatigue stems from the generic Lamictal. The next time I see my psychiatrist, I’m likely going to go back to the brand Lamictal. It’s an additional $45 but if it helps this fatigue, then it’s worth it. I feel like such a zombie. Hence, why I haven’t really been blogging.

I’ve also been feeling lazy. I’m currently at this "I don’t care" stage where there’s a lot of things that I’m not obsessive about anymore so in a sense, that’s good.

So here is your requisite update. I’m still alive, still tired, but doing fine. (No suicidal thoughts, depression at bay.)

I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Let me know how you are. I’ll make my blog rounds eventually.

depressive introspective

I’m not sure I’ll be posting many newsworthy items as much as I used to. I suppose I’m getting lazy in some respects. Maybe my brain is tired or not fully energized. I’m also going through a period in my life where I’d rather discuss my personal experiences and explore broader issues affecting my mental health (like emotional eating) rather than daily current events.

Grow with me. I may shift back to regular news and celeb updates but I don’t feel obligated to post on them right now. And I don’t feel any pressure to do so. I’m feeling particularly… introspective. 😉

Great blogs that analyze and post on current events can be found below (in no particular order):

Mailman, Bring Me No More Blues

Colonial Williamsburg I’m taking a hiatus from this blog through the beginning of September. I might make a post here and there but nothing consistent. The Quotes of the Week are automatic. Be patient with me if I don’t respond to emails right away. And I’ll be on vacation in Colonial Williamsburg the last week of August. It’ll be my first time going there so let me know if you’ve been there and the places I simply MUST visit.

Things have been very crazy lately. My husband was suffering from intense depression and panic attacks last week (stemming from the way his grandfather died), and I’ve been going through a rough patch of depression myself. I am always tired and have no energy despite my morning cup o’ joe. (I’ve also realized that I need to beef up on my iron intake. no pun intended… well, maybe)

On Friday, my OB/GYN informed me that I suffered a ruptured cyst in my ovary in early July and that I need to go on birth control to flush it out of my system and regulate my ovulation. I took one pill yesterday but read the side effects: clots here, clots there, liver disease, high blood pressure, and stroke/heart attack risks everywhere. Considering I’m not suicidal right now, I don’t feel like shortening my life and ruining my health. I’ll suffer through my painful ovulations, thankyouverymuch.

childrenI’ve recently noticed that August has become a typical month for me to get significantly depressed (see sample posts from Augusts 2007 and 2006). Being aware of this now, I plan to keep August 2009 particularly free of all commitments. Therefore, as I was silly enough to volunteer as staff for my church’s Vacation Bible School this week, I will never do it again. Not only that, but I hate having to deal with 10 or more kids for extended periods of time. The morning could not have moved any slower. (And I had to make crafts with the kids and I LOATHE crafts. I’d be the most boring mother on the face of the planet.)

I went to a KT Tunstall concert Friday night at the Borgata in Atlantic City and a Neil Diamond concert at Wachovia Center in Philly on Saturday night. The concerts were great, but man, did those events make things even more stressful. I was on pins and needles all of last week because my husband seemed to always be on the verge of a breakdown and I was having a tough time just trying to sludge through the week. I didn’t even make it to work for 2 days because my husband was so depressed that he stayed home not to mention I ALSO was suffering from depression. I’m losing money from not working, which has me flipping out a bit but I really need this time to myself. I’m not fully functional. If I had a full-time job to hold down, I’d be in the hospital again. Thank God for this freelancing gig that gives me the opportunity to focus on my mental health when I need to.

This post has become a senseless rant as I’m still exhausted and thinking incoherently. Please pray for Michelle (beartwinsmom.wordpress.com) who’s going through a severe depression and rejoice with Gianna (bipolarblast.wordpress.com) who is finally off of Risperdal.

Not on hiatus

I’m currently freelancing on-site for a company as an editor/proofreader so posting will be minimal this week through Tuesday. And yes, I finally am enjoying what I’m doing. It’s a nice feeling after having been at a job for two years "just to pay the bills."

Living My Lamictal Life

Things have slowed down a bit at work – temporarily. So I might provide some updates in the world and catch up on a few blogs. But don't hold me to it.

In the meantime, the Abilify ad is still up.