Suicide and baseball

I’m suicidal right now. And it sucks.

According to my mood rating, yesterday I was a 0. Then I forced myself into a 10. I really felt more like a 5. I’m a 3.2 today: moderately depressed, passing thoughts of suicide with some difficulty functioning.

I know exactly what’s triggering my suicidal thoughts: my stupid assumptions about how my co-workers and boss feel about me.

I’m a total people-pleaser. Despite my assumptions, I have a tendency to read people quite well. I can tell when they don’t like me, when they do, and when they’re pretty much ho-hum about me.

I have two co-workers that are basically annoyed with me because of my absence on my birthday Friday (I know this because they were fine on Thursday), my boss is "ho-hum," and the rest of my co-workers don’t really care. (More later throughout the week on my birthday weekend.)

My husband continues to remind me that I need to keep my thoughts focused on God. My suicidal tendencies develop because I’m so self-absorbed that I take my focus off of God.

I want to kill myself as I way to punish my co-workers. There. I said it. I want to kill myself because two people are annoyed with me. (And I know they’ll get over it; they always tend to.) But I can’t stand the cold, stony silence. I can’t stand not knowing what people are thinking about me. I can’t stand the cold e-mails I receive when I try to be warm and friendly.

I have a lot to do at work. I’m a little overwhelmed because I’m still quite new, but I’m doing my best to keep up with things here. I should be currently working, but I’m taking the opportunity to use my 15-minute paid break as a way to relieve the pain that’s beginning to develop in my mind and heart.

It’s totally stupid to kill myself because TWO people don’t like me. I have a whole bunch of family and friends who love me to death (npi) and I’m suicidal because TWO people are currently annoyed with me.

I realize how silly that is.

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Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley

I received this forward and it sounds like something from the SNL skit, “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley,” but it cheered me up and found it worthwhile. Just something to keep in mind when you hear the lie in your head that “No one loves you.” (I think that ALL the time despite a very supportive and caring husband.)

P.S. I had NO idea that Al Franken was on SNL. I always thought it was Mike Myers. Oops.

Continue reading “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley”

People pleaser and worrywart

I’m very bad at keeping up with my own blog schedule. I pay for it; I should be better at updating it. Thing is, I update only at work and pay for the mere convenience of not having a terrible hassle like I had with the free blog hosting site, blogger.com.

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"You can please people some of the time,
but you can't please all people all of the time." – Anonymous

I should really do the whole “don’t fear man, fear God” thing. I’m trying. I’ve been throwing suggestions and ideas out at my manager with a “What’s the worst that can happen?” I swear, that needs to be my new motto or approach for life. People can say “no.” “Too bad.” I’ll disappoint or people will disappoint me. People can be rude and snippy to me, but in the end, what does it matter? I need to stop trying to curry everyone’s favor because not everyone is going to like me.

I’ve really been evaluating what I consider to be “pretty.” Really, what does “pretty” mean to me? Merriam-Webster aside, what is pretty? How would my dictionary define it?

To be honest, I’m not sure. I can’t look at myself because I don’t like what I see. Much of it comes from what society deems “pretty.” i.e. flat abdomen; slim, slender body; clear skin; non-bushy eyebrows; well-manicured nails; no excess weight.

When I look at myself, I see a black (derogatory reference in every sense of the word) female who has these crazy, ungroomed eyebrows, fat cheeks, big nose, excess weight, blotchy skin, unruly hair, fat all over my midsection, flabby upper arms, stretch marks — a big, overwhelming mass of cocoa-skinned blob.

I don’t like seeing “blob.”

I’ve never cared for my looks when I was younger (and skinnier) but never hated them so badly. Not like I do with this excess weight. And so I wonder — will 130 lbs. be enough? Will I ever exercise enough and control my portions enough that I’ll live to see that day once again?

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I go around in circles when it comes to my thinking. I think about the people who have immense power over me during my personal time. People who teased me in high school, my micromanaging boss, people I wish I had in my life, people whose lives I wish I could change, my mother, my father — who isn’t even alive. The perceptions I’ve created in my head, paparazzi, tabloids — things that don’t even affect me!

A major future goal: Trying out for American Idol. Believe it or not, not for the superstardom. In fact, I doubt I’d make it past the first round (I’m a decent singer but I’m no Christina Aguilera) — but I need to get over my fear of making a fool of myself in front of people I don’t know. And even if I did make it all the way to the infamous Randy, Simon and Paula, technically, worrying about those who teased me in grade school should be the least of my worries.