"Have I told you you light up my life?"

candleAgain, my MIL has proven Satan wrong. She told me “I light up her life.” My existence here is so worth it and I do make a difference.

Goal for 2009: Staying Alive

I’m being hit by suicidal thoughts again. Hard.

I’m not going to the hospital but if these thoughts keep pummeling me, it’ll become a consideration again. I’m walking a fine line here because my husband’s family has had a suicide hit close to home earlier this year and they don’t need to experience another loss. I try to keep in mind how important I am to many people that I know: my husband, my in-laws, my mom (I’m her only child). I try to visualize the grief my mother would experience losing her only kid. It’s worked so far. I can only pray that it lasts.

In the meantime, I’ve had my husband hide my belts. I ended up in the hospital in October 2006 after my husband woke up just in time to find me kicking a chair away in an attempt to hang myself from an air vent.

After what now seems like a short reprieve, I constantly glance up at the ceiling air vent in our bedroom thinking about trying the hanging thing again. I’m sure I could find something else to use if I really wanted to but I’m trying not to dwell on the idea too much.

The lies that used to convince me to try killing myself, oh say, three years ago, don’t work as well anymore. I can fight off most of them:

Lie #1: Nobody cares about you.
Answer: I have a husband, a big family, and wonderful friends who love and care for me. I’d be missed.

Lie #2: You don’t make a difference in this world.
Answer: I have a 98-year-old grandmother who loves me to pieces, I have a mother who I bring so much joy to, I have a husband who tells me I’m the best thing that’s happened to him, and I have a mother-in-law who thinks that I’m so cool, she wants to spend time with me. I do make a difference.

Lie #3: You’re worthless.
Answer: My husband tells me all the time that I’m worth something to him and that he’d be lost without me. If only for him, I’m worthwhile.

So the “lies,” or challenges if you will, have changed. Here’s the new one:

“You’re such a liar. You’re just looking for attention. You want people to pity and feel bad for you while you sit there and cry wolf. So, if you’re so serious about committing suicide, why don’t you show them that you’re not kidding and prove ’em all wrong?”

Hmm. Good question.

Mood rating: 3

Mind Over Matter, Pt. 2

Perhaps I've written about this previously. Perhaps I haven't. Regardless, I'll tackle it anyway.

Some people with a mental illness who hear what I'm about to say will tell me I'm crazy. Perhaps I'd get "partially correct."

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Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley

I received this forward and it sounds like something from the SNL skit, “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley,” but it cheered me up and found it worthwhile. Just something to keep in mind when you hear the lie in your head that “No one loves you.” (I think that ALL the time despite a very supportive and caring husband.)

P.S. I had NO idea that Al Franken was on SNL. I always thought it was Mike Myers. Oops.

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Truth vs. Lies

Originally written October 10, 2006

"This is the one thing I know, you said you won’t let me go, you said you won’t let me go. You’ve done a good work in me and you won’t quit till I’m free." ~ Sara Groves, "This Is The One Thing I Know"

Sometimes I need to believe thigns are true, even when I don’t feel they are.

Of the few things I learned at my outpatient therapy, three lessons (truths) stuck with me:

1. God loves me. (Romans 5:8, I John 4:9-11)
2. He will never leave or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)
3. The devil is a liar. (John 8:44)

I don’t feel any of the above but I’ve got to assume it’s true. Even if I’m afraid, it’s got to be enough to keep me going.