Motivated, persistent, confident, and resilient—four qualities I do not possess

Thanks for the well-wishes for me and my husband. He is doing better. He is still in some pain but his bleeding has stopped and he’s just suffering from sinus drainage. We’ll be off to the ENT tomorrow and see what happens. In the meantime, he’s stuck eating cold foods and taking cold showers.

I’m having what I call "a day." It basically means it’s not the best but I’m dealing with it. I noticed today that I’ve been overlooking a ton of mistakes on things that I’ve been proofreading so that’s been quite discouraging considering it’s my JOB to catch mistakes. I’m also not particularly feeling socially interactive so I’m having some slight social anxiety when I need to smile, interact, and look like everything is right in my world.

I’m also having second thoughts about this freelancing gig. To be a freelancer, you’ve got to be motivated, persistent, confident, and resilient. I just don’t have any of those qualities. I hate the 9-to-5 grind but it’s probably what I’ve got to do. I keep telling myself that I’ll take risks this year but I’m so fearful of nearly everything that I’m just willing to run and hide. I want so much to write articles again but I "fear" my best days are behind me. I write fiction but I don’t read enough to make them any good. (I prefer nonfiction because it appeals to my hunger for factual knowledge.) I keep trying to tell myself "I can do it" but I can only lie to myself so many times.

I miss doing my regular news posts and other updates but they’ll have to wait until I can get my act together. For now, many of my posts will likely be related to my personal life. It’s nice to know you find me interesting enough to read them.

Some of you might have sent me e-mails but I’ll be responding to them later on tonight. Thanks for your kind thoughts, prayers, and comments.

Obligatory post

stressedI’ve been quite tired and haven’t been much in the mood for blogging. I’ve been feeling bogged down by all the preliminary crap (see expenses, accountant, and IRS) that I have to do to begin freelance writing. I’m not particularly enjoying the administrative side of life.

On the other hand, I’d like to thank everyone for the kind words on my last post. The issue has been bugging me all week and I wanted to put the matter to rest so I e-mailed the ed-in-chief again on a whim:

Hi Joe,

I figured I probably wouldn’t hear back from you after my last e-mail. If you’re not willing to provide me with the $75 for my submission, at the very least, I’d appreciate having a copy sent to my home address. Thanks.

I figure I had nothing to lose since I’d already lost time spent on the article and the money he’d promised. A copy of the issue is the least he could do for me. (insert not-so-nice thoughts here) He wrote back about an hour ago:

i’ll be sure to make both happen at once. hope you’re well.

I’m not holding my breath. I’d rather be “pleasantly” surprised.

In other news, the ad/marketing agency I have been freelancing for has offered me a part-time contract position. I’ll be able
to do some writing on the side while I have a steady job doing some
proofreading and editing. That makes me incredibly happy.

Otherwise, I hope everyone reading this is getting along decently. It’s been a day. For those in the Northeast, enjoy the beautiful weather!

Bipolar & the Workplace

I was surprised to see an ABC News article on bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is the “hip” mental illness these days — especially when used to characterize someone with extreme mood swings. One section addressed admitting to bipolar disorder in a work environment:

One day, he let it slip.

“I just blurted it out. ‘I’m sorry I’m getting shock treatments. I can’t remember anything,'” Steve said. His colleagues’ reactions were less than encouraging, he recalled.

“I would say that they were afraid of me,” Steve said. “They stopped referring their clients to me.”

Steve said that eventually his colleagues’ attitudes forced him to leave his job.

I admitted my problem to three people at my job: my managing editor at my last job and three of my coworkers (one with whom I am still friendly).

  • The managing editor, who had picked on me mercilessly, finally backed off. As far as I know, she didn’t tell anyone which I appreciated.
  • One of my coworkers admitted she had depression to me first before I told her I had bipolar disorder. It’s understood between us that we won’t go around and talk about these things.
  • The other coworker also told me about her journey through depression and her treatment afterward. I then revealed my struggle with bipolar disorder. We are friends outside of work now.
  • I’d told the last coworker about this shortly after I received my diagnosis after being released from the psych hospital. As far as I know, she didn’t tell anyone. But in the end, she’s the one who said the hurtful things about me in the e-mail I inadvertently received. It’s anyone’s guess if she told other coworkers or if she completely forgot.

From Bipolar Journey:

My experience is: work is work.  Outside of work is where one gains support for any illness they struggle with.  Acknowledging my response is skewed on the basis of recent events, I can’t recommend telling anyone you work with about one’s illness.  I should have kept to my Psychology professor’s advice:  “Never tell anyone you work with about your illness, trust me when I tell you:  they will treat you differently.”

I attended an outpatient group in late October 2006 after my hospitalization. One lady said that one of her coworkers admitted she was bipolar; since then, the coworker was teased and verbally abused by her supervisor and other coworkers. I’m not positive but I think the person might have even gotten fired lest her disorder interfere with her ability to do her job. (She cleaned pools.)

People with the disorder often have trouble keeping a job and are 40 percent less likely to be employed than the average person, said Ronald Kessler, a public health researcher at Harvard University.

On the other hand, Kessler said, if treated properly, they can be creative and invaluable individuals. Many highly successful authors, artists and professionals have the disorder.

I’ve seen statistics like this before and they worry me. I constantly wonder whether I’ll ever be able to hold down a full-time job for a long period of time. I’m currently unemployed and – to my disbelief – enjoying it. I’m afraid I’ll get lazy and never go back to work. I’m afraid that I’ll start to go in and out of jobs like a revolving door. One of my psychotherapists in college flat out told me that I’d never be able to hold down a job.

As I try to venture into editorial freelancing, I’m afraid of a host of things: outdated skills, inexperience, lack of confidence, failure, libel, confrontation, socializing, networking, creating expectations (of myself) that I never live up to. My counselor told me to just jump in and do it first then worry about the details later. [deep breath]

failureI fear failure the most. Failure that I’ve forgotten my editorial skills because they haven’t been used daily since 2005. Failure that editors will write me off because I’m a 26-year-old with unimpressive clips like “Bees Infest Dorm Hall” (yawn), “Student Organization Rallies Youth to Vote” (so cliche), and “Penn State Strikes Deal with Napster on File-Sharing” (Nov. 2003 = old). Failure that I’ll write an article, misinterpret the facts, and then get the publication slapped with a lawsuit. Failure that I’ll have to be “pleasantly persistent” in calling up editors, asking for prompt payment of my freelance services. Failure that I will intentionally avoid things that would otherwise propel my career: attending social mixers, networking, doing all the social things that makes my blood run cold because I hate meeting new people (in person). Failure that I’ll look at past awards I’ve received and then never live up to the reason why I received them in the first place. I don’t want to blame bipolar disorder from holding me back but sometimes, I can’t help but think where I’d be in my professional career without it.

(Image from gobears.wordpress.com)