Goal for 2009: Staying Alive

I’m being hit by suicidal thoughts again. Hard.

I’m not going to the hospital but if these thoughts keep pummeling me, it’ll become a consideration again. I’m walking a fine line here because my husband’s family has had a suicide hit close to home earlier this year and they don’t need to experience another loss. I try to keep in mind how important I am to many people that I know: my husband, my in-laws, my mom (I’m her only child). I try to visualize the grief my mother would experience losing her only kid. It’s worked so far. I can only pray that it lasts.

In the meantime, I’ve had my husband hide my belts. I ended up in the hospital in October 2006 after my husband woke up just in time to find me kicking a chair away in an attempt to hang myself from an air vent.

After what now seems like a short reprieve, I constantly glance up at the ceiling air vent in our bedroom thinking about trying the hanging thing again. I’m sure I could find something else to use if I really wanted to but I’m trying not to dwell on the idea too much.

The lies that used to convince me to try killing myself, oh say, three years ago, don’t work as well anymore. I can fight off most of them:

Lie #1: Nobody cares about you.
Answer: I have a husband, a big family, and wonderful friends who love and care for me. I’d be missed.

Lie #2: You don’t make a difference in this world.
Answer: I have a 98-year-old grandmother who loves me to pieces, I have a mother who I bring so much joy to, I have a husband who tells me I’m the best thing that’s happened to him, and I have a mother-in-law who thinks that I’m so cool, she wants to spend time with me. I do make a difference.

Lie #3: You’re worthless.
Answer: My husband tells me all the time that I’m worth something to him and that he’d be lost without me. If only for him, I’m worthwhile.

So the “lies,” or challenges if you will, have changed. Here’s the new one:

“You’re such a liar. You’re just looking for attention. You want people to pity and feel bad for you while you sit there and cry wolf. So, if you’re so serious about committing suicide, why don’t you show them that you’re not kidding and prove ’em all wrong?”

Hmm. Good question.

Mood rating: 3

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19 Comments

  1. Maureen said,

    December 13, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    Hey! You are not “worthless”. You are a child of the King! King Jesus; he loves you unconditionally and you have given your life to him, so you have eternal life.
    THIS fact is what keeps me going and growing in Him, and staying in the Word!
    Keep trusting Jesus, sister in the Lord. This life is a vapor in the wind, a wave tossed in the ocean, compared to the everlasting joy we will experience!
    Praise God! He has given us a way out of the wilderness.

  2. December 14, 2008 at 1:31 am

    Hey, you and I should keep daily tabs on each other. We’re both going through the same thing; brains are telling us the same lies. Are you up for it?
    Plus, if anything were to happen to you, I would be incredibly heartbroken. You think may be just a blog on the internet, but to me, you are a true friend.

  3. Jim said,

    December 14, 2008 at 7:42 am

    I read your blog because you speak the truth about depression. You are honest about your feelings. You go beyond the clinical and into the personal.
    I don’t feel pity for you. Instead, I feel admiration for your bravery and honesty.
    The liar is the voice in your head that masquerades as your own voice. The challenge is to prove that voice wrong by staying alive and continuing to speak the truth in love to those of us who need to hear what you have to say. Who need you!
    Please don’t go.

  4. Squarepeg said,

    December 14, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    I’m also having suicidal thoughts. My thoughts are saying that I don’t have anymore friends because I’ve pushed them all away and that I’m a burden to everyone I meet and it’s just best that I do the world a favor and kill myself so that I don’t piss off anyone else. For the past few days, these thoughts have really been going at me.

  5. thestranger said,

    December 15, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    I’m glad you share how you are feeling. It reminds not to give into some of the lies I tell myself. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m still around is that somebody has to love and take care of my cats, but I’m sure it isn’t true. Its just hard to see sometimes…

  6. jo said,

    December 17, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    Hi just came across this site. Good on you, for your honesty and depth of wisdom, you are doing everthing right. I have been suffering depression all my life and made a decision a year ago to change my life, I just could not live like this any longer. Its been a tough year,ups and terrible downs. However finally I am winning the negativity and mind chatter that was constantly feeding me my depression. I started with affirmations everyday, twice a day. I started paying attention to my thoughts and realised how negative they were. Every negative thought i had, i had to tell it to stop, I have a new belief about myself, and i would state a positive affirmation about myself. Its been so difficult, some days I lost and others i won only to sink back down again. however after nearly a year of persisting, I have finally won. I just woke up with a thought one day of “I choose to be happy” and have been. i have had 1 day where i went low but pulled myself out of it in a few hours. Its like i felt i was always going to be like this, 30 years of depression and nothing would change. But slowly it does, this is the only way to win and i am happy to see that you are on your way.

  7. Nancie said,

    December 18, 2008 at 6:45 am

    I am praying for you. Remember you are not alone. It’s good that you are able to share with us. Hope you feel better day by day. Thanks for all your encouragements. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. Take care and God bless!

  8. December 20, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    This is just heartbreaking. Brought a tear to my eye. I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

  9. kim said,

    December 22, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    i was in the same boat a few weeks ago and wrote about at my site. finally feeling better and beginning to dig myself out of the deep, dark hole.
    i just wanted you to know i’m thinking of you.

  10. kim said,

    December 22, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    i was in the same boat a few weeks ago and wrote about at my site. finally feeling better and beginning to dig myself out of the deep, dark hole.
    i just wanted you to know i’m thinking of you.

  11. kim said,

    December 22, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    i was in the same boat a few weeks ago and wrote about at my site. finally feeling better and beginning to dig myself out of the deep, dark hole.
    i just wanted you to know i’m thinking of you.

  12. donna said,

    December 24, 2008 at 10:00 am

    I feel this way, too. I am afraid to go to the hospital so I downplay for my husband, family, and doctor. I need help.

  13. Beth Anne said,

    December 25, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    I’m so glad I found your blog. I have been feeling suicidal and those 3 “lies” are the same ones I tell myself. Although, I must say–I often don’t believe they are lies.

  14. Stephany said,

    December 27, 2008 at 8:09 am

    Sending you BIG HUGS my friend!!!!!!!

  15. Susan said,

    December 27, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    Oh Marissa!
    I am sorry you are feeling this blue, I understand I am going through the same suicidal ideation. Hug your husband close, and keep writing
    Geographically I am not that far, I can come and visit you at a neutral place if you wish.
    And- sweetie, one of my dearest friends suicided this year. I don’t want anyone to ever feel that kind of pain…. call it selfish, but I can’t make other’s hurt the way I did if I go into that good night.
    Take care.

  16. Joel said,

    January 11, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Depression where to start?
    Imagine how God is willing to help you, He send his only Son to die and rise from the dead to forgive and help you live in peace!
    Depression will go away as soon Jesus become the lord of your life! Jesus Love You! http://myowndepression.com

  17. Squarepeg said,

    January 14, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Susan,
    that’s a lie and you need to quit telling it.

  18. HormonalTeenager? said,

    March 29, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    I am a teenager and I think i am suffering with deppression. My parents are not very accepting and think im acting it out for attention. I always feel like im not good enough for them even though im a straight A honors student. my broher was always better at everything than i am. my parents also think that i am acting because my best friend was recently diagnosed with manic deppression and was in the hospital because he cut himself. my best friend and i have helped each other as best we can but there is so much teenagers can do for each other without professional help. i have nowhere to go though. i do not trust the school phyciatrist because he called my parents when he promised he wouldnt about me crying for 2 periods straight in the bathroom at school. comment #4, that is exactly how i feel plus a lot more. i have no idea where to go or what to do. or if i am just overreacting and am just a hormonal teenager.

    • Kass said,

      March 29, 2010 at 10:53 pm

      It’s possible that your hormones are changing and going crazy. This is what happened to me as a teen as well. I would suggest that you seek a local clinic in your area that could help evaluate, diagnose, and treat you. Hope this helps: http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/


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