Insight into the Mind of a Depressed Person

I posted a couple of months ago on The Last Psychiatrist’s post on suicide, which is still being hotly debated, and to be honest, is rather depressing. I gather that the majority of people commenting on the post have a general agreement that life has no purpose and as one commenter said, "just *is*." If there are people who think differently, I wish they’d leave comments. It appears that most people seem to think that life is rather wasteful.

A commenter named Jack posted his controversial thoughts. His entire post echoes what I’ve thought in the past (and currently struggle with) and what I’m sure others who attempted or committed suicide have thought too.

As someone who has been suicidal for much of the past two years, all I can say is "fuck off, doc. You don’t know shit."

First of all, what is so precious about human life? There are 6+ billion of us on a planet that really should max out at 2 billion of us, if that. There may be a few hundred that are actually irreplacable, true prodigies who really do make the world better in some unique way. The rest might be good for a few laughs now and then; but really, death is going on all the time and people manage to move with family and friends dying off throughout their lives. Almost no one will make a contribution that is unique or essential or won’t be provided by another nearby human.

So if life seems to be dedicated to kicking you in the crotch over and over again, if you can’t climb out of your personal hell, if every sliver of hope turns out to be another feint to get you to drop your guard to get wounded again, then who the hell is the rest of the human race to demand you continue to suffer? What could possibly be worth this? Am I really going to contribute more than I consume?

No, probably not at this point. The world has plainly indicated it does not value my contributions and capabilities. My friends aren’t going to feed and house me. They aren’t going to enable to do the things I consider important. I have a responsibility to not be a burden to those around me as well, to not drag down their lives with my considerable failings. My insurance policy is worth dozens of times what the world actually seems to value me for each year, would that money be more worthwhile to improving the lives of those close to me than a few more laughs?

I mean, sure, if I go out of my way to make my suicide clearly a statement of how much I hate my life it could make people feel bad and wonder if they couldn’t have done something. But what if I just put my car into an underpass wall at 90 mph? That’s not burdening anyone with the guilt of my death, its just another car accident. Its damaging public property, but its just going to give some people some work cleaning up and repairing the damage.

So on the plus side:

1) I stop suffering
2) I stop bitching to other people about my suffering and bringing them down
3) Some people close to me get a bunch of cash
4) I am no longer a burden on a planet with too many fucking humans

On the negative side

1) Some people are sad for a little while, and then move on.

And even if some of them later commit suicide from the silly domino theory of suicide, do that really make a difference? There are still plenty of extra people out there.

4 Comments

  1. manicmusings said,

    July 3, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    As a Christian I believe that our lives have worth and purpose, and as a psych survivor, I believe that grappling with the disparities of life is worth the fight, because life is full of joys and heartaches and I continue to set goals regardless of the setbacks. Many people may feel like a burden when they are depressed, but I would hope that most people have at least a few close friendships that make life worthwhile to hang in there for the long haul.

  2. thestranger said,

    July 18, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    I can identify with feelings of hopelessness. I often feel my life is without purpose or direction and live in a dark fog. I don’t find a lot of pleasure in life myself. I also believe my life is my own to do as I wish with.
    I think I feel the way I do because I’m damaged, and can’t see the forest through the trees. I’m hoping to keep fighting and beat it and find a better way of life. Thats all I have for now, is that I care about myself enough to keep fighting. I’d equate suicide with giving up, but the only thing I now about depression is my own experience and how it relates to me…I’ll always hope people find other solutions besides this one.

  3. Jen said,

    February 22, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    I have recently started to suffer from depression. Everything I do I feel like I fail at even if it’s a minor mistake that normal people make. I wake up every morning thinking I just have nothing to look forward to and there’s nothing I have the motivation to do. I get really down on myself because I have everything people would kill for; a nice house, car, family, friends, I’m popular, I get decent grades but I feel like I’ll never be good enough for myself and this makes me feel horrible because i wish there was atleast a reason i feel this way so i could atleast fix it but its just how i feel. Even though I know I’m not an ugly person I still feel like insecure about how I look and I don’t even know why. I feel like I’m not a lovable person even though I have people who love me and that I’m not a good person if I just do one thing wrong. I act fine when I’m around my friends and when I go out on the weekends and party but when I get to be on my own I just cry. The more I think about trying to be happy, the more sad I get and just break down. I have made a reputation of myself for being a strong and confident person that doesn’t let things get to me but no one knows how down I get on myself on a daily basis. I don’t talk about this with anyone even though I know I have friends I can trust but I just don’t feel right swallowing my pride and just telling people how I am. I’ve read online everything possible to help me but I have the mind set to think nothing will work because there’s no reason I feel this way so how will it change.

  4. Taz said,

    July 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Wow, it’s incredible how quickly the mind can become so dark. I feel for this young man, I hope he is still here with us and has found that life is really worth something and that he is truly valued to the point that his creator went to extreme lengths to KNOW him personally.

    I think hope is so important, and when someone loses that and the will to hold onto the slightest bits than the world does really take on a tainted feel because thats all they have trained their mind to see. It’s so important to start looking at the moments however small that are beautiful, gratitude!


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