Last night

Current Mood Rating: 4

Last night, my mood was a 2. I keep contemplating all the ways I could possibly die but it's tough to do that when I have my husband sitting next to me telling me "I love you" and "You're my best friend."

(sigh)

The ironic thing is that the majority of my suicidal attempts aren't planned. They're impulses – they feel like something I can't control.

All this thinking and trying to plan out the perfect attempt is working contrary to what I want; I just end up talking myself out of it. Planning means that I'm being rational. Mixed-mood episodes are NOT rational.

On an unrelated note,  I think I'm incapable of playing the Wii for long stretches. My muscle pain is back. And here I am, thinking that the Wii would help me lose weight. I'll miss playing tennis. I made it to pro.

Oh, and speaking of weight, I think Allegra causes weight gain. Somehow I've dropped 3 lbs since I've stopped taking it.

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