It’s not always going to be this grey
All things must pass
All things must pass away
— All Things Must Pass, The Beatles —
I haven’t had a desire to do much of anything lately but somehow I got the energy (and fortune) to figure out how to get my original blog design back. I prefer the format since it’s wider even if the beige gets kind of drab. I also reorganized the blog categories. I’ve become a bit of an organizational freak in the past couple of years. I’m a child of the Real Simple era, I suppose.
I have a whole post just kind of brewing in my mind and it has been for the past two weeks. I’m just taking a bit of a break and trying to figure out which direction I want to take this blog now. I’ve talked about suicide, thought about suicide, and attempted suicide but never remotely encountered anyone who’s actually done it. Now it’s hit my family, and I’m still figuring out what it means to me, my husband, and his family. We have a counseling session tomorrow night so I’m sure we’ll talk more about it then.
In the meantime, work at the ad agency has either been completed (pushed out the door) or is currently in the planning stages, which means I don’t need to go in tomorrow but am tentatively scheduled for Thursday. I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow and have been avoiding checking my e-mail like the plague. I’ll suck up the courage to look at it sometime soon.
Also, I gave my husband Bob Thompson guest author privileges. He’s currently deciding on whether to make a blog post on his grandfather’s suicide and its repercussions in the future. He might or might not. My husband’s not particularly fond of writing but it’s just a heads-up.
In the meantime, be well.
P.S. I’ve been on a Beatles trip lately so I’m probably going to be quoting apt Beatles lyrics for a lot of my future posts.
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." — Jonathan Kozo
"Action is the antidote to despair." — Joan Baez
My husband’s 77-year-old grandfather killed himself yesterday. The day after his birthday
He left no note.
I’d be stupid if I didn’t take something away from this.
“…occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and
have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally
look like I felt.” — Elizabeth Wurtzel
It’s been a hard day’s night, and I been working like a dog
It’s been a hard day’s night, I should be sleeping like a log
— A Hard Day’s Night, The Beatles —
I’ve been incredibly busy with work (working 2 weekends in a row, really) and haven’t had much energy to blog. I’ve been trying to relax lately but my mind is so tired from proofreading (on-site) for 7-8 hours that thinking beyond that is too much. Since the FT editor is still recovering from her car crash, I’ve been taking up most of her duties, including major projects like reviewing ENTIRE websites – so far, I’ve looked at three or four different ones, an online training module, and a brand new online survey. My brain is beginning to turn to mush. A few people at the company have told me that I’m doing really good work so that’s a blessing. I’ve basically stepped into the role full-time with Wednesdays off for Bible Study and counseling. While I enjoy what I do, I’m looking forward to having my normal two days off per week so I can clear my mind, blog, and hopefully get this freelance writing thing started. If I’m bringing work home with me on the weekends, that doesn’t leave me much time for writing. While the money is good, I don’t need to be stressed. I left my last job for that very reason.
Speaking of my last job, I got a callback for an interview and cancelled it after thinking about it and praying about it. I decided that I was much happier with my current job even if I have to deal with the nuisance of filing a 1099 and not having the convenience of a W-2. I also hate invoicing. But I just need to remind myself that it’s a minor inconvenience compared to doing what I love to do. While I’m disappointed that I don’t get to edit (I love tearing written pieces up to make them better, including my own), I’m thinking of putting an ad out an Craigslist and seeing if anyone responds to it. Craigslist always freaks me out because I never know whether the person on the other end is trustworthy or not. But then again, 2008 is my year of taking risks, right?
This post was longer than I’d intended. I don’t think I’ll be posting regularly again until I’m back to a part-time position. Business is busy and hectic enough as it is. I hope I’m holding my own.
When life goes to pieces, make a quilt. — Sue Hughes
When it comes to blogging about mental illness, that’s something that I don’t want my name connected with. Sure, I’d like stigma surrounding the illness to be reduced but it still exists and I don’t want it to affect my chances of working at a decent company that would hire me if not for my bipolar disorder and history of depression and suicide attempts. I think of some mental health bloggers — Liz Spikol especially comes to mind — who are brave enough to post their struggles
with their real names and pictures for everyone to know and see. And I’m jealous.
Jealous that while Liz still probably suffers from MH stigma from idiots, she has the opportunity to be hailed as a hero in the MH community. I completely admire Liz because she’s been able to talk about her experience having through
hell and back, especially on ECT. Her name out there raises awareness about theses issues and her presence in the MH community brings comfort to many people who are struggling with similar issues.
Then there’s me, having to adopt the name Marissa Miller in the hopes that no one finds out who I am. (My real name is so unique that if it was Googled, all of my articles would pop up on the first page.)
If you’ve started reading this blog recently, you haven’t read some of the 600 posts here. Many of them are pretty personal.
- Being Brave: “I have much to say / And there’s much I haven’t done / But what does it matter / When death’s got all the fun?”
- Identification: “Now, if I have enough fearlessness to face death, why can I not have enough fearlessness to face life?”
- Suicide and Baseball: “[T]he truth remains the same. Not just for me but for all suicidal people: We don’t really want to kill ourselves, we just want to end our pain.”
- You can do this: “I sat in my car this morning with the ignition turned on, ready to drive my car over the bridge into the Schuylkill River. I was ready to run home, make the stupid “goodbye world” post on this blog, text my husband “I love you. Goodbye” and then ram my car into a divider on I-76. It’s the worst suicidal thought I’ve had since I ended up in the hospital in October 2006.”
I wouldn’t hire me if I saw blog posts like that. Perhaps some people don’t get frustrated by the anonymity; I do. I don’t know if there will ever come a day when I can come clean about my identity and let the world know who this person is and what she really struggles with. God bless all of you who can put a real face to a name and still talk about deeply personal issues.
Current Mood Rating: 5.9