Distorted Thinking

A Google Alert for a post from My Journey Through Bipolar came to my inbox. I read it and feel that it expresses many of the thoughts that I’ve had and still have today. Here are the snippets that really spoke to me:

My thinking has been so terribly distorted lately.  I can hear it but
it is like I am watching it on TV and I can’t make the actors say
different lines.  “You just don’t understand me so I am not going to
talk to you anymore.”  “I am worthless and just taking up too much
space.  I would rather die then to put you all through this agony
anymore.”  “I have no friends.  No one loves me.  I am unlovable.  I
hate myself.  I HATE ME!!!”


And it all makes so much sense to me.  I really believe it.  I really
do feel like there is no reason to go on.  That I should just die.
That I am a waste of space.


And like the viewer watching TV I can see how ridiculous this story
is.  Of course she is loved.  Look at the supporting cast.  She doesn’t
actually want to die.  Look at her children worshiping her at her feet,
begging her to come play with them and give them kisses.  Who wouldn’t
want to stick around to foster that?  And a waste of space?  She
created this space.  She cooks and cleans in this space.  She bore her
children in this space.  She makes love to her incredible husband in
this space.  She isn’t a waste of space.  The space would be empty
without her.


And does she really hate herself?  I believe she hates the one that she
thinks she is.  That distorted her.  But if she saw herself as a
separate person she would love her.  She would see that other self and
think, what a great person.  She has it all.  The husband, house, kids,
cats, beauty, security, love all around.  A deep faith, a rich
community, arts and a strong soul of a warrior.  She would want to be
just like that other person.


I want to be just like I am.  I just want to be happy while I am being me.

Read the entire post here.

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2 Comments

  1. Me said,

    March 10, 2008 at 10:46 pm

    Okay, it is just so weird to see that my words are over here. I read them again as though they were written by someone else and I really got it. Thanks for reading my stuff.

  2. Nancie said,

    March 14, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Hi Marissa,
    Thanks for visiting my blog and your kind comment.
    I can identify with this post too as that’s how I felt whenever I go through severe depression. That’s how distorted our thoughts and feelings can be. Thank God that depression and bipolar depression are treatable. Now that I am well, I know these thoughts are all wrong. I am writing my journal as well as developing my blog to record all these as whenever I am depressed I tend to forget these things!
    Thank God that He is with us always. Our depression or bipolar, or our diagnosis, does not define who we are (I like your heading). We are still the precious children of God, whom Christ has laid down His life for. Our depression/bipolar is just an illness like diabetes, asthma, hypertension, etc. It can happen to anyone. But thank God that with His presence with us, we can find hope and help in Him and all that He has provided.
    Looking forward to get to know you better. I hope to come back to read more of your posts. Do know that you are not alone. May you experience God’s love and faithfulness in very wonderful ways daily.
    Will keep you in my prayers. Take care.
    Praying for you,
    Nancie


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