I can do this

I’ve been very reluctant to post for some time. To the point where the thought of posting gave me an anxiety attack. I also haven’t checked any of my e-mail accounts except the one I’m required to view: my work account. I think this blog has served a major purpose in allowing new readers to browse through previous posts that have been informative and, perhaps, helpful. Much of my blogging was done at work and for some time now, my job has blocked access to every single blog – including my own.

In the last week of January, I encountered an incident in which I found out three of my coworkers didn’t like me. I’d always had my suspicions but suspicions are different than knowing for a fact. For some unknown reason, one of my coworkers – we’ll call her Lisa – accidentally sent an e-mail to me that was intended for someone else. I read the e-mail from top to bottom and by process of elimination realized that the person being "dissed" in the e-mail was me. Lisa figured out that she accidentally sent the e-mail to me and came over to apologize about how "unprofessional" she had been and it was "rude" of her. She had been dealing with an "ear infection" lately which had made her cranky and blah blah blah. I began to tune a lot of her excuses out. Out of everyone on my team, I thought I had gotten along rather well with Lisa and now I was stunned, feeling completely backstabbed. Afterward, I received two apologetic e-mails: one from the coworker who SHOULD have gotten the e-mail (Ivy) and another coworker who had been included in the e-mail all along (Kristine). Friends and family encouraged me to tell my manager about the situation, however, I was afraid of what I call "tattletale" syndrome: go to the manager, say I received this e-mail in which so-and-so disrespected me, manager reprimands so-and-so, and then I get worse treatment.  I tried to rise above the incident by responding to my coworkers by saying that I’d like to work with them amicably on a professional level even if they didn’t like me on a personal level. They seemed to respect my decision. Lisa, now, feels absolutely horrible about the situation, but I am forced to work with her daily on the majority of my projects. Ivy will come to me when she has questions about work-related tasks, which is fine by me. Kristine does her best to avoid me and in most instances, won’t even make eye contact with me.

In any event, I have now come to the realization that I don’t want to be working there and they don’t want me to be working there so for the sake of my mental health, my husband and I have decided that it’s best that I resign.

The whole issue has fed into my negative thinking and I found myself feeling as though they were right. (I still think they are.) Although I haven’t had any mixed episodes for quite some time, my mood has begun to yo-yo to the point where I question if the medication I’m currently on is still worth it. It’s been terribly difficult to get up in the mornings now and based on my interactions with them, I can return home feeling more depressed than ever. I’ve been told hundreds of times that I shouldn’t allow my circumstances to dictate my mood but I’ve found that absolutely impossible.

My husband has set a date for me to leave: February 29, whether I have job lined up or not. I’ll be handing in my resignation on the 15th of this month. The current plan is to try and jumpstart a freelance writing and editing career. I’m nervous about this plan because I think my young age (26) will work against me. I’ve declared 2008 as my year of taking risks so we’ll see if I’m able to succeed on that end.

I’m also at a crossroads with my medication. I’m on 150 mg and am having the recurrence of suicidal thoughts. When I was on 200 mg, I didn’t really struggle with suicidal thoughts like I do now, but then again, my mind was feeling too foggy and cloudy to think straight about anything. I don’t believe medication solves all problems but I think it has helped me some. I am no longer sure whether the Lamictal is continuing to serve its purpose right now.

I miss blogging and reading other blogs so I hope to take it up again after I leave my current place of employment. But with the way things go on in my life, who knows what will happen. I hope to read and/or answer the many e-mails I’ve received during the past several months and combat the anxiety attack that comes along with knowing I have so many to go through. But I hope anyone who is reading this – who still reads this – is doing well.

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8 Comments

  1. Amber Anique said,

    February 10, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    WELCOME BACK!!! I HOPE TO OFFER LOTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT ON YOUR NEW JOURNEY!!! TAKE THE CHANCE!!! YOUR HUSBAND SEEMS TO BE VERY SUPPORTIVE, WHICH, OUTSIDE OF GOD, IS ALL YOU NEED! YOU’VE BEEN MISSED!
    GRACE & PEACE!

  2. Gianna said,

    February 10, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Dear Marissa,
    I still check your feed everyday. I’ve missed you.
    I’m so sorry about what has happened at work. And don’t give yourself crap about being subject to situational depression and moods. It’s called being human. The problem lies in not allowing us to have natural feelings not the feelings themselves.
    You sound like you’re taking good care of yourself.
    I hope we can be in touch sometime soon. Let me know if I can help in any way.
    take care and good luck….

  3. Jim said,

    February 10, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    I’m still here too. Glad to have you back.
    I get the same way about incidents like the one you’ve described. I pray that you will find a new situation that will help you instead of hurt you.

  4. GregK said,

    February 10, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    Sometimes people suck. Everyone I know has, at some point in their life, been cast as outsiders. Sometimes people suck; this is a fact.
    People are just people like you and me. This is also a fact. When I think poorly of someone — and sometimes we all do — I don’t *hate* them. I’m never really thinking of them as other people, like me, but instead as faceless entities, objects. Had I looked closer I would have seen a person, but I did not. I wasn’t thinking. Otherwise, wouldn’t have thought of them that way.
    I don’t think *I suck* for looking down on these faceless entities in my mind; I just wasn’t thinking. I think, transitively, it means that people aren’t hateful and mean as much as they are unthinking and confused.
    This comforts me, as I see no reason to let unthinking, confused individuals gnaw away at the core of my being.

    I know purely rational arguments don’t always help with emotional dilemmas… but I thought providing one might be a source of comfort. To me, knowing that the ghosts that haunt me are, on some level, my own creation — knowing they aren’t really real to anyone besides me — helps me sleep at night.

  5. February 11, 2008 at 12:38 am

    This is a very interesting post on Anxiety attack! This website has helped me a lot on axiety attacks and it’s very useful. They have many great tips to guide to. Do check it out at http://www.attackanxiety.org

  6. Duane Sherry said,

    February 18, 2008 at 1:25 am

    I hope you might consider checking out my site – it contains a great deal of informaton on various alternative medicine – five thousand hours worth.
    I too suffer from symptoms of ‘bipolar’ disoder, but was able to help my teenage son recover, and have had good success with a variety of the treatments mentioned on my site – you have a very nice site here.
    Feel free to visit mine – I send this in hopes that there may be information there to help you –
    http://discoverandrecover.wordpress.com
    God bless,
    Duane

  7. Stephany said,

    February 19, 2008 at 1:48 am

    ((HUGS FRIEND!))) I’m so glad I happened to check (again) if you were back. I’m sorry work turned out to be a worse nightmare, and hope the change helps. But most of all, welcome back, you’ve been missed!-Stephany

  8. Stephany said,

    February 19, 2008 at 1:53 am

    Oh and Marissa, I won a court battle against doctor discharge plan to state institution since you’ve prob been able to catch up on blogs–my daughter is out of hospitals! (plus other not so good stuff, but that you will have to read my blog about)


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