I’ve been very reluctant to post for some time. To the point where the thought of posting gave me an anxiety attack. I also haven’t checked any of my e-mail accounts except the one I’m required to view: my work account. I think this blog has served a major purpose in allowing new readers to browse through previous posts that have been informative and, perhaps, helpful. Much of my blogging was done at work and for some time now, my job has blocked access to every single blog – including my own.
In the last week of January, I encountered an incident in which I found out three of my coworkers didn’t like me. I’d always had my suspicions but suspicions are different than knowing for a fact. For some unknown reason, one of my coworkers – we’ll call her Lisa – accidentally sent an e-mail to me that was intended for someone else. I read the e-mail from top to bottom and by process of elimination realized that the person being "dissed" in the e-mail was me. Lisa figured out that she accidentally sent the e-mail to me and came over to apologize about how "unprofessional" she had been and it was "rude" of her. She had been dealing with an "ear infection" lately which had made her cranky and blah blah blah. I began to tune a lot of her excuses out. Out of everyone on my team, I thought I had gotten along rather well with Lisa and now I was stunned, feeling completely backstabbed. Afterward, I received two apologetic e-mails: one from the coworker who SHOULD have gotten the e-mail (Ivy) and another coworker who had been included in the e-mail all along (Kristine). Friends and family encouraged me to tell my manager about the situation, however, I was afraid of what I call "tattletale" syndrome: go to the manager, say I received this e-mail in which so-and-so disrespected me, manager reprimands so-and-so, and then I get worse treatment. I tried to rise above the incident by responding to my coworkers by saying that I’d like to work with them amicably on a professional level even if they didn’t like me on a personal level. They seemed to respect my decision. Lisa, now, feels absolutely horrible about the situation, but I am forced to work with her daily on the majority of my projects. Ivy will come to me when she has questions about work-related tasks, which is fine by me. Kristine does her best to avoid me and in most instances, won’t even make eye contact with me.
In any event, I have now come to the realization that I don’t want to be working there and they don’t want me to be working there so for the sake of my mental health, my husband and I have decided that it’s best that I resign.
The whole issue has fed into my negative thinking and I found myself feeling as though they were right. (I still think they are.) Although I haven’t had any mixed episodes for quite some time, my mood has begun to yo-yo to the point where I question if the medication I’m currently on is still worth it. It’s been terribly difficult to get up in the mornings now and based on my interactions with them, I can return home feeling more depressed than ever. I’ve been told hundreds of times that I shouldn’t allow my circumstances to dictate my mood but I’ve found that absolutely impossible.
My husband has set a date for me to leave: February 29, whether I have job lined up or not. I’ll be handing in my resignation on the 15th of this month. The current plan is to try and jumpstart a freelance writing and editing career. I’m nervous about this plan because I think my young age (26) will work against me. I’ve declared 2008 as my year of taking risks so we’ll see if I’m able to succeed on that end.
I’m also at a crossroads with my medication. I’m on 150 mg and am having the recurrence of suicidal thoughts. When I was on 200 mg, I didn’t really struggle with suicidal thoughts like I do now, but then again, my mind was feeling too foggy and cloudy to think straight about anything. I don’t believe medication solves all problems but I think it has helped me some. I am no longer sure whether the Lamictal is continuing to serve its purpose right now.
I miss blogging and reading other blogs so I hope to take it up again after I leave my current place of employment. But with the way things go on in my life, who knows what will happen. I hope to read and/or answer the many e-mails I’ve received during the past several months and combat the anxiety attack that comes along with knowing I have so many to go through. But I hope anyone who is reading this – who still reads this – is doing well.