Depression slowly settling in

I’ve recently started fighting depression again. My husband has pointed out that August through October tend to be challenging months for me. I’m not particularly happy about this. I’ve recently been fighting the urge to not go to work and sleep in bed. It doesn’t matter whether I go to bed early or not, I’m tired during the day and I come home with a feeling of ennui. I’m not interested in much anymore except for perhaps a game of Crickler. I’m also pretty upset that my job has blocked off access to my only outlet of dealing with my days. By the time I get home, it’s time for dinner, spending time with my husband, going to the gym… I’m not particularly at my “thinking” peak at 11 p.m. at night. Except when I’m not on meds.

I’m feeling currently somewhat numb and in a state of mere existence and nothing else. Sure I can laugh at a joke and have fleeting emotions when talking to people. It’s easy for me to force a smile, but otherwise, I’m feeling isolated and emotionally detached. I have my moments where I want to cry. But most of all, I want to do nothing but lie in bed all day and hide away from the world. I guess it doesn’t help that I’d like to break back into editing or reporting/writing and getting a 9-5 job doing that in Pennsylvania with only 3 years of experience is nigh unto impossible. I’m trying to be patient about my job search and I’m trying to convince myself that I should remain at my job through the end of the year because I’ve got all my vacation planned out, but I become extremely discouraged – an understatement, really – at the fact that I just may never be able to work in the editorial field that best fits my skill set. My occupation shouldn’t mean so much to me as a part of who I am – my husband calls it the “New York mentality” – but it is. I want to go to work and overall enjoy what I do every day. I’m not really the type who will work at one job for the rest of my life because “it pays the bills.” (This is probably easier for me to say because I don’t have children.) Finding a job that suits my skills won’t be the cure for my depression, but I can only hope that it will help.

And then there’s the whole “I just don’t fit in” feelings, but I’ll just keep those thoughts trapped in my mind. (Because yes, yes, I know I shouldn’t care what other people think of me.)

Hope everyone else is having a better time at dealing with life at this moment.

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15 Comments

  1. Stephany said,

    August 10, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    I hope the depression lifts soon.

  2. Rick said,

    August 10, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    I’m not going to pretend to have an answer here. Just my prayer that you will be able to rely on what has worked for you in the past, and that you will be able to get through this with the help of God and all those who love you.

  3. Gianna said,

    August 11, 2007 at 11:42 am

    I left you a message but your spam catcher decided it was spam….so I sent it to your email. Feel better.

  4. Jim said,

    August 11, 2007 at 5:25 pm

    Yikes. I’ll be praying for you.

  5. August 17, 2007 at 1:36 am

    I’m hoping your realize that this is just your depression speaking. There may be a Seasonal Affective Disorder aspect to your illness. And you might want to check out Dr. Norman Rosenthal’s site. He’s the expert on this.
    For me, the moment I start feeling depressed, I spend as much time as possible outdoors. Also, although it’s almost impossible to start when you’re depressed, exercise is really important. And if you’re really feeling depressed, are you taking an antidepressant with the Lamictal?
    But, in terms of your job, when you’re well, you undoubtedly know you can find a job in the editorial field. It always seems hopeless during a depression. And trying to find one during a depression is next to impossible.
    However, once you feel better, I’m sure you’ll feel differently about all this. During my last depression, I decided that I could never write another book and should become a woodworker (although this isn’t one of my skills) so I wouldn’t have to talk with people! Can you beat that?
    Do feel better! Hugs from L.A.
    Susan

  6. August 17, 2007 at 1:37 am

    I’m hoping your realize that this is just your depression speaking. There may be a Seasonal Affective Disorder aspect to your illness. And you might want to check out Dr. Norman Rosenthal’s site. He’s the expert on this.
    For me, the moment I start feeling depressed, I spend as much time as possible outdoors. Also, although it’s almost impossible to start when you’re depressed, exercise is really important. And if you’re really feeling depressed, are you taking an antidepressant with the Lamictal?
    But, in terms of your job, when you’re well, you undoubtedly know you can find a job in the editorial field. It always seems hopeless during a depression. And trying to find one during a depression is next to impossible.
    However, once you feel better, I’m sure you’ll feel differently about all this. During my last depression, I decided that I could never write another book and should become a woodworker (although this isn’t one of my skills) so I wouldn’t have to talk with people! Can you beat that?
    Do feel better! Hugs from L.A.
    Susan

  7. August 17, 2007 at 1:37 am

    I’m hoping your realize that this is just your depression speaking. There may be a Seasonal Affective Disorder aspect to your illness. And you might want to check out Dr. Norman Rosenthal’s site. He’s the expert on this.
    For me, the moment I start feeling depressed, I spend as much time as possible outdoors. Also, although it’s almost impossible to start when you’re depressed, exercise is really important. And if you’re really feeling depressed, are you taking an antidepressant with the Lamictal?
    But, in terms of your job, when you’re well, you undoubtedly know you can find a job in the editorial field. It always seems hopeless during a depression. And trying to find one during a depression is next to impossible.
    However, once you feel better, I’m sure you’ll feel differently about all this. During my last depression, I decided that I could never write another book and should become a woodworker (although this isn’t one of my skills) so I wouldn’t have to talk with people! Can you beat that?
    Do feel better! Hugs from L.A.
    Susan

  8. Jason P. said,

    August 17, 2007 at 3:11 pm

    I hope your down mood improves. I know it is very hard to be down, and I have my downs – related to work and life’s little challenges – but you obviously have talent to share, so keep doing that. Maybe the outdoors are an element, but find something exciting to do…
    It’s hard, But you can do it! All night long! (From some Adam Sandler movie….)
    Anyways, like the blog!

  9. August 21, 2007 at 11:38 am

    As silly as it may sound, as least you recognize it. Most people would just assume the worst without knowing why.

  10. adam said,

    August 25, 2007 at 11:16 am

    I’m having a depression too. just want you to know you are not alone.know what? it has been haunting me for 7 years.

  11. Alison Hymes said,

    August 26, 2007 at 10:53 am

    Sorry you are so down. About what other people think, well, if that’s what’s going on with you, “shoulds” don’t apply or help. Keeping feelings trapped in your mind doesn’t help. If there is someone you can talk to about feeling as if you don’t fit in or some way to write about it (hard when you are depressed of course), go for it if you want to. We all have feelings we “shouldn’t” have, but shoulding ourselves never helps much in my experience.
    Of course there’s the question of do you want to fit in? Perhaps your current job is one where you don’t want to fit in with your co-workers or perhaps there are other ways in which you don’t want to fit in with the majority, nothing wrong with being different or independent minded in and of itself.

  12. Judy said,

    September 4, 2007 at 8:58 pm

    Hi I posted a comment a few months ago I think in May – as Tabby (but I’m happy to use my real name now). I was intending to do a blog about my experience with depression & being born-again (I’m not doing this anymore) but for the next 3 months that followed I got hit really hard by depression. I’m not sure if you emailed me (it was a yahoo address) but it probably went straight to spam and got deleted before I could get out of bed. I have struggled for the past month to be productive at work. I admit that I have called in sick a few times but I’m not sure if I was truly sick or just depressed as I noticed that I feel the same physical symptoms for a virus/flu as a strong depressive episode. I dont want to rant and rave on here your personal blog, so I’ll link my facebook profile which is public anyways so anyone can read it. I’m using Facebook with the intention of educating people on the many faces of depression & clear up misinformation – once I get a blog happening. I’m annoyed Facebook is blocked at work (but surprisingly not your blog!). DO you mind if I post a link to your blog on my Facebook? I just became friends with a Christian girl who just came out of hospitalisation and I think she’ll love your blog. Wishing you all the best, Judy

  13. January 1, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    I can relate closely to your situation as my wife suffers from depression and as you say she wants to stay in bed or just watching tv. It is quite difficult when a partner is going through this kind of situation looking for doctors, taking more pills.
    I can understand that just to keep doing the daily tasks required can be very difficult. She just wants to sleep all the time, I think this is related to the pills also.

  14. jamie said,

    February 16, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    My name is Jamie Johnson and Im 25 years old. I have been living with depression for what seems to be a very long time. I am sick and tired of feeling this way, I dont even know what else to try. I am currently taking zoloft, an anti-depressant. It seems to be helping me a little but am still feeling down sometimes. I have been looking into alternative treatments, something to add on to what I am already doing. So now, with my therapy and medication..I also found out about certin stones that can help with mood and negative energy, I decided to try those as well. I now have been wearing my “healing bracelet”, as I like to call it for 2 weeks. I can honestly say I feel a little better, I actually think this thing is helping. I now have been recommending them to other girls in my weekly depression group, because if it can help me, maybe it could help you. Im not saying that there magic or should take the place of medication or therapy, but every little bit helps, if you know what I mean. I am just gratefull that I have started to feel a little better, because I get so sick of feeling down all the time. Also, it really sucks because it feels like now one understands. But if you want to look at the bracelets I will leave the link below, and I hope that they help you too. http://www.omri-corporate.com/customproshop.htm

  15. April 8, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Great perspective on something that can be quite taboo to talk about.
    Depression can really be debilitating and it’s great to hear other stories about the experiences they went through. Sometimes just hearing from someone else that shares, or can empathize, with your pain can mean the world.
    I hope others find your site as useful as I have.
    Cheers,
    David
    http://www.allthingsdepression.com


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