I’ve recently started fighting depression again. My husband has pointed out that August through October tend to be challenging months for me. I’m not particularly happy about this. I’ve recently been fighting the urge to not go to work and sleep in bed. It doesn’t matter whether I go to bed early or not, I’m tired during the day and I come home with a feeling of ennui. I’m not interested in much anymore except for perhaps a game of Crickler. I’m also pretty upset that my job has blocked off access to my only outlet of dealing with my days. By the time I get home, it’s time for dinner, spending time with my husband, going to the gym… I’m not particularly at my “thinking” peak at 11 p.m. at night. Except when I’m not on meds.
I’m feeling currently somewhat numb and in a state of mere existence and nothing else. Sure I can laugh at a joke and have fleeting emotions when talking to people. It’s easy for me to force a smile, but otherwise, I’m feeling isolated and emotionally detached. I have my moments where I want to cry. But most of all, I want to do nothing but lie in bed all day and hide away from the world. I guess it doesn’t help that I’d like to break back into editing or reporting/writing and getting a 9-5 job doing that in Pennsylvania with only 3 years of experience is nigh unto impossible. I’m trying to be patient about my job search and I’m trying to convince myself that I should remain at my job through the end of the year because I’ve got all my vacation planned out, but I become extremely discouraged – an understatement, really – at the fact that I just may never be able to work in the editorial field that best fits my skill set. My occupation shouldn’t mean so much to me as a part of who I am – my husband calls it the “New York mentality” – but it is. I want to go to work and overall enjoy what I do every day. I’m not really the type who will work at one job for the rest of my life because “it pays the bills.” (This is probably easier for me to say because I don’t have children.) Finding a job that suits my skills won’t be the cure for my depression, but I can only hope that it will help.
And then there’s the whole “I just don’t fit in” feelings, but I’ll just keep those thoughts trapped in my mind. (Because yes, yes, I know I shouldn’t care what other people think of me.)
Hope everyone else is having a better time at dealing with life at this moment.