Jane and Marie are who I want to be

I do my best to try and avoid being whiny on this blog, but I’ll give in to the temptation just this once.

There’s a girl I work with who dislikes me for no apparent reason. This girl – we’ll call her Jane – and I got along well when I initially joined the organization and now, for whatever reason, has become cold and distant. I could get all Isaiah Washington and play the race card, but I won’t go there. (I’m not like that. My husband’s white!)

Despite the fact that I really shouldn’t care what Jane thinks of me, I do. I honest to God do. It’s Saturday morning and I’m obsessing over the fact that Jane doesn’t like me. Jane doesn’t give a crap about me right now and here I am, at home, on the weekend, flipping out about how some chick at work doesn’t like me. I know, I’m crazy.

Point-blank: I’m a people-pleaser. My depression comes from this. I try to think the best of myself. I’m sweet (really!) and well-meaning. I force myself to have a cheerful disposition. But I have one of the most narcissistic of attitudes: I just can’t understand why anyone would dislike me. In person, I probably seem annoying and grating. (The hubby says no and I say yes.)

I’m working on my backward thought process. I have a slew of friends and family who love and care for me and one girl who doesn’t like me totally ruins my weekends whenever I think of her. I dread going to work because of her. I breathe sighs of relief when she’s not around. I keep praying for her to quit. Talk about mentally ill. The crazier thought is that if I can’t get her to like me then I feel like I have nothing to live for. Anyone know of an antipsychotic that cures that problem?

The whole situation has led to a kind of paranoia. I wonder if people are talking about me, gossiping about how annoying I am. Jane must be telling the new assistant, Marie, that I did “such-and-such” and “can they believe it?” One of the things that the mainly female department gossips about is who washes her hands in the bathroom and who doesn’t. I kid you not. I feel like I’m back in high school. It’s so petty.

cliqueOn the subject of high school, the floor I work on is full of 20-something editorial assistants, all in different departments. As a result of the similar age range, one large clique has formed. Jane and Marie are part of this clique. What’s taken a year for me to feel remotely accepted by my coworkers, Marie was able to overwhelmingly win them over in less than four months. Talk about me being a socially retarded loser.

Friends and family encourage me to simply go to work, do my job, put in my time, and leave. I see things differently. I spend about 7-8 hours at my job five days a week. I think that’s a significant amount of time to spend somewhere.  When I’m there, must I feel like a pariah on the outside looking in?

I’m always looking for acceptance. I’m 25 and working at a job where I feel I’m back in high school – never cool enough, never good enough, never smart enough, don’t “fit in” enough no matter how hard I try.

Good enough is never enough.

Unrelated info: Even though the Beatles is my favorite band of all time, I’ll readily trash them if it earns me favor with a group of people. *sigh* My allegiance to Madonna, unfortunately, is a bit stronger.

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3 Comments

  1. Rick said,

    June 30, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Marissa, I’m 40 and I still feel that way sometimes. I really have to rely on my family and closest friends to give me honest feedback about myself that I can take to heart. I’m constantly under the impression that I’m not doing good enough for somebody in my position, and I can even take a negative look the wrong way. I have a few people in my life who recognize that in me and take the time to put things in perspective. I’m so thankful for them. Otherwise, I’d be constantly feeling down about my own work performance. And that’s no way to go through life. Great post here.

  2. Stephany said,

    June 30, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    Marissa I am going to give you advice, that I gave myself. “You are not always going to like everyone, that means not everyone is going to like you.” I had to tell myself this over and over again, because I also, like [most of us if we are honest and admit]that–we tend to want acceptance or even reassurance we are “doin’ okay.” My guess, in this situation: [being I’m a 47 yr.old blonde who had a 4.+GPA, and was hated by all in school, so I thought]is that *they* are jealous of *you* and in fact, wish they were YOU. This can be a catty girl thing. I was a Senior in High School, and there was a “pack” of girls who for the life of me, I had no idea what I did to have them “not like me”. One day, my English teacher pulled me aside, and said these words:
    “I know those girls act snotty, and don’t give you the time of day. But I hear what they say, and they said they wish they had your hair and wish they were YOU.”I was extremely shy then, and I couldn’t believe someone would even think they would want to be me?[why?] What that did for me though was give me a boost of self confidence that I needed really bad. [knowing they didn’t hate me]The teacher saw it,and I’m forever grateful to her, because it really made me aware of self-perception, and how we can be really hard on ourselves.Anyway I hope this isn’t too long, but be yourself. Just be yourself. You are smart and talented and most likely a threat to *their* low self-esteem. PS–I like you.:)

  3. Judy said,

    September 5, 2007 at 10:26 pm

    Oh my gosh I just read this post. This is happened to me recently both at work and at church. The work scenario was similar. From the first day I started working I was drawn to the only Asian looking girl (coz I don’t have any asian friends even though I’m Chinese heritage). This Vietnamese girl disliked me so much she barred me. I could not understand why and it upset me. She could not even be bothered to small talk in the lift. She could not care less if I was there or not. I was so glad when she left our firm (after 3 years!) to travel coz her presence upset me to. I didn’t pray for it to happen though. Now I’ve been upset by a girl at church who blatently dislikes me from the word go, and ignores me even though we are in similar groups of friends at church and sit in the same row or even in a circle across from each other. I was devastated as one of her initiatives at church was the reason I choose the church I go to and I really look up to her. I’m not sure how you can resolve your situation, but what has set me free is that choose to accept that not everyone has to like me. It’s ok. How are you going with work?


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