I'm both a suicide survivor and an ideator. I've tried overdosing on pills many times to no avail. I've also tried jumping out of cars. Each time, the driver has caught me before I could roll out into the street. Most of my other "attempts" have been strong ideations: drinking Windex, stabbing myself, shooting myself in the head, driving my car into a wall, jumping in front of a train, jumping off a high building — TO NAME A FEW.
I'm not proud of it; the list could go on and on. I identify with Dawdy's words in his SW article:
"In each case, there was little warning. One minute I'd be muddling through a weeks-long depression—wound up, angry, and lethargic all at once—and the next I'd be on the lethal precipice."
I can't really remember planning any suicides. I don't plan suicide attempts; the ideations hit me as an impulse. I become obsessed with the thought and I can't distract my mind. It's like a train headed full speed into a wall with no reverse gear.
This is me when I am suicidal.
My Latest Obsession
My latest obsession has been shooting myself in the head with a gun despite Dawdy's stat that "It is uncommon for women to kill themselves with a gun." I've never had access to a gun but if I did, I'd be dead by now. The act of pulling a trigger is final. So much more so than any act of suicide. A person can survive a stabbing, a jump, overdosing, or self-designed accidents. But once a person sticks a gun inside the mouth and pulls the trigger… it's difficult to miss. Survival isn’t impossible but not likely.
The apostle Paul identified something he struggled with as a "thorn
in his flesh." (II Corinthians 12:7) Biblical scholars assume what he
refers to is some kind of pain (Galatians 4:13), but no one knows
whether it was physical, spiritual, or mental. However, I can
definitively state that the "thorn in my flesh" is mental/psychological.
Some people argue Satan doesn't exist; that he's just a figment of
the imagination or a metaphor for “evil” within the human heart.
However, Satan is very real, very alive, and VERY much at work. In the
Bible, he admits to roaming the earth: "The LORD said to Satan, 'From
where do you come?' Then Satan answered the LORD and said, 'From
roaming about on the earth and walking around on it.'" (Job 1:7, Job 2:2) My husband has nicknamed me "Jobette." Satan's darts are continuously thrown at me whichever way. My struggles with depression aren't just a mental warfare, they are a spiritual warfare. This is what sets me apart from other many other mental illness blogs. I recognize that my depression is a part of my sin condition which I must fight against.
My recent posts have turned into commentary on Dawdy’s article, but there’s a wealth of discussion lurking inside it.