Fired Up

"I fear / I have nothing to give / I have so much to lose" – Sarah McLachlan, "Fear"

I'm totally paranoid about getting fired. The lateness and all. Not only that but it's taking me forever to try and grasp these things at work. I've learned that… well, this job just isn't for me. My husband's trying to encourage me to leave and go to my other job offer from a few months ago (it was a personalized offer), but I doubt things would be any better. I wonder if God has doors closed on purpose. Probably.

I'm dealing with an immense amount of fear. Fear of the future, fear of losing my job – I'm really trying as hard as I can – I'm not sure what I could do better.

It's nice to have a desk and cubicle all to myself. It's nice to have $1200 of my transportation per year covered. And the cheap benefits are also nice. And I'm afraid to lose them. I'm afraid to take a risk. I guess I'm building my world around paying my bills and not waiting for the right job.

Compliance is my problem. I felt pressured by my mother-in-law, my recruiter and most of all — myself.

I need benefits; I'm not a healthy person. Health and dental insurance are vital for me. I'm tired of switching jobs. I want to be in a comfortable position for a while. Will that ever happen? Will I ever be satisfied?

I wonder if I'd be partially relieved to get fired — it'd free me up a bit to do what I want. At the same time, I'd be scared as heck — how will I pay my bills? Argh!

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