Just Say "NO"

“Come on, let’s rewrite this tragedy / One line at a time / Hold on, we’ll change the scenery / It’s OK, we’ll be fine” – Sara Groves, “Rewrite This Tragedy”

Cash“I wish I’d never taken this job.” – Is that true? I can honestly now say that I’ll never look back with regret and wonder what it would have been like: 35-hour workweek, $1200 of my yearly transportation costs covered, a good salary, less stressful working environment…

But for some reason, I’m crumbling under the pressure of it all:
– Needing MY income to live, pay bills
– Not enjoying what I do – it’s necessary for the bigger picture, but it’s constant administrative tasks that I could care less for.
– Worrying that my depression will prevent me from longevity at a job.

I need to be able to see lights at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, I do. When I’m down and completely unhappy, I don’t. I’m counting down the days until I decide to start looking for something else. I want to establish a year here. I want to prove to myself that I CAN do this — I can stick it out.

And I think about my true passions in life: writing, editing, singing… And I wonder if I’m too old to go chasing after my dreams.

I’m miserable in my head – and really, will singing make it all better? No. I can already see myself beating myself up in the recording studio because of a line I just can’t grasp. Miss Perfectionist.

I need to learn to follow my dreams unabashedly and not worry about what others think. I should look for another position, use my maiden name and really go after what I love in Philly. Without reservation. Almost a year and a half out of college and I might be asking for too much money – but I can’t let that stop me. I can’t. I’ve got to follow my heart and my dreams. Acting brings me great satisfaction, losing weight brings even more! And I’m probably too self-conscious about my singing.

The saying is so true but I really feel like the only thing holding me back from success is… me. But I can’t afford singing AND guitar lessons. I love music but I feel like God’s semi-handicapped me in that area for a reason. Why do I have such an intense desire – passion – for it if I’m never meant to be decent with it?

And I’d hate to leave my co-worker all alone with these things but I feel like I’m not getting it – I’m not getting anything. And it frustrates me.

Hindsight is 20/20. Why didn’t I think this through? Why am I so easily pressured? And really, why can’t I just say, “No”?

Two little letters that carry so much weight. It all comes back to “No.”


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