I’d like to say, “Been there, done that,” but it’s not something I’m proud to dismiss. February 14, 1997 was the first time I attempted suicide: I tried to jump off a fourth-story balcony. But I’m a drama queen and like standard drama queen fare, I called my pals and left them goodbye messages. People call it a cry for help; I just can’t leave this world without saying goodbye. (I liken it to leaving home for a long trip in another continent You’d say goodbye to those you love and would miss.) It’s become a bad (or perhaps, good) pattern that has kept me alive. I’ve tried jumping out of cars, swallowing pills, slashing, stabbing, drowning, suffocating — and barely stopped short of hanging. I got as far as a chair and a noose until I couldn’t bear to imagine my father walk in the door from work to see his only child hanging from the ceiling fan in the hallway.
I’m not happy to admit all this, but people can learn a lesson from a life as varied as mine. I’ve been to the depths of desolation and desperation and I know the feeling of not being able to “go on” or even wanting to “go on.”


  1. Tosha said,

    December 20, 2006 at 1:24 pm

    I am sorry it took me so long to answer the comment you left on my blog ( I have been having computer trouble). Thank you for your comment you left at my blog ( ), however, I stand firm by my earlier statement. Suicide is wrong. 1John 5:17 is talking about all sins that can be repented of and forgiven by God. When one commits suicide, one cannot not repent of one’s sins. After death, there are no more chances to repent for being disobedient to God’s Will (Heb 9:27).
    We are put on earth for a reason. God has a purpose and plan for our lives. We cannot expect to hurt the will of God (His purpose and plan for our lives) without reaping the repercussion or punishment for our actions (Gal 6:7-9). Suicide is a selfish act that usurps the power that belongs to God and destroys God’s plan for his or her life. Christ did not usurp God’s authority, but respected God’s Will for His life and remained faithful to the end (Heb 13:21, Col 1:9-11); demonstrating the mind of Christ that we are to have.
    If one “trusted in Jesus Christ alone for salvation,” this person would have the mind of Christ. Anyone with the mind of Christ would never commit suicide. For one would know that help is just a prayer away. He/she would know God will never give us more than what we can bear (1Cor 10:13) and we are to take his/her burdens to God and leave them there. This is how Christ dealt with suffering and no one suffered more than Christ.
    Furthermore, life is a gift from God and to refuse this gift (by committing suicide) is telling God, “I do not want your gift (grace or salvation); thus, I am giving it back to you (God).” If grace or salvation through faith is what God gave to save us (Eph 2:8) and one gives grace or salvation back to God, what is left to save that individual? When that person refuses God’s gift (grace or salvation) there is nothing left to save that individual.
    Besides, only God has the power (directly or indirectly) to give life and take life. One who commits suicide is rebelling against God, which is a sin. Sin (which is disobedient to God) will not enter into Heaven. Again, when one commits suicide; one cannot not repent of one’s sin. After death, there are no more chances to repent for being disobedient to God’s Will (Heb 9:27). Therefore, suicide is a point of no more grace or salvation.
    Any sin that one does not repent of will not make it to Heaven (Luke 13:3). Again, once saved is not always saved. The mere fact that God established repentance (for us) demonstrates that one can fall and lose his salvation (Gal 6:1). Besides, if one could not fall and lose his salvation, then what was God’s reason for establishing repentance to restore a fallen child of God (Heb 6:4 – 6)? The term “born-again Christian” denotes that one has changed for the best. Just as one can change for the best one can also change for the worse.
    Since sin cannot enter into Heaven, God created repentance for us. The key is that one must be alive to repent (suicide does not fit this). Once saved is not always saved; thus we can fall and lose our soul (Jas 5:16, 20) and be separated from God for eternity.

  2. amy said,

    January 5, 2007 at 12:04 am

    My brother committed suicide via hanging in our garage. My parents will never be the same some 17 years later.
    Suicide is selfish and to be brutally honest, if you are going to do it do it somewhere where your dearest family and friends will not find you first. The aftermath and lingering nightmares are just too much.

  3. January 10, 2007 at 11:03 pm

    Hi Amy,
    Suicide IS a selfish act. A person who commits suicide is so far deep into his or her own pain that s/he either feels s/he has a right to be selfish or don’t see s/he IS beng selfish.
    It’s tough. I’m an only child and when I was a teen, I contemplated hanging myself from a ceiling fan in the hallway of our split-level house (the fan is visible from the front door). The only thing that really stopped me was imagining how heartbroken my father would have been to see his only child dead, hanging from the ceiling. My pain at that point didn’t outweigh the potential that my father could have had.
    As for committing suicide away from family, that’s something I normally have thought about for the past few years (unfortunately). The last obsession I had (not so much now) was crashing my car on the highway or into a brick wall where I couldn’t hurt others. I wasn’t homicidal; just suicidal. But suicide has become a crazy impulse where my mind is warring against my body. My body wants to throw myself out of a moving car onto the highway even though my mind knows that any suicidal feelings I might have will pass.
    It’s not easy and I don’t know if your brother struggled from depression or anything, but also realize that he probably did it because he was in so much pain that he might have thought it was better to be dead than to live. This is the pattern of thinking most people who contemplate suicide have.
    Seventeen years later, my condolences go out to you and your family. Suicide is a tragic thing, which is why I’m fighting so hard against it now.

  4. anna_kavanagh said,

    January 22, 2007 at 6:41 pm

    I have attempted suicide, unsuccesfully; my sister killed herself, my grandfather killed himself with arsenic, my sister-in-law’s mother gassed herself, my step-father’s mother took an overdose. We do suicide in my family. All of us have been severely affected by it; I still cry at the thought of walking into my sister’s flat and finding the dried pool of blood – an image I will never get out of my head, some 15 years later.
    I have kept myself alive through all the pain because I have 3 children who I could not bear the thought of damaging in that way; I have been living for them, not for me.
    However, I have tremendous sympathy for all those who attempt or succeed at commiting suicide – I say succeed with emphasis. Any person who has ever felt the depths of despair of not being able to face another hour of the intolerable pain of deep depression, would understand the longing to end that pain. Living through it takes an unselfishness which is arguably admirable, arguably the biggest form of self- harm and denial possible.For someone to continue to live with that pain so as to avoid giving someone else the pain of grieving is not necessarily the kindest act; watching your loved one living (or rather “existing”) with the pain of depression is arguably as bad, if not worse, than grieving for their death. They are existing in hell for that period of time it takes for them to crawl out of that hell. Nobody wants the person they love to live in hell – why keep them there???
    Who is being selfish: the person who takes their life to end their suffering, or the person who watches that person suffering day in day out and doesn’t want them to die because they themselves cannot stand the idea of their own grief and suffering when their loved one commits suicide? I personally cannot “judge” which person is being the more selfish.
    I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to have to endure that pain, day in day out, and to know that the only reason they are keeping themselves alive is for my benefit. Ultimately each of us has the choice to live or die and that choice deserves respect and compassion, not condemnation.
    I understand that families left behind are often distraught as my own family has been; I have been, but I also understand why someone does it. If you can develop that understanding, it eases the pain, lessens the blame and enables all who are affected to feel compassion – a vital element in loving and being loved.

  5. Graham Smith said,

    January 23, 2007 at 8:37 am

    Tosha, this is all very well if you are religious, have a faith or believe in a God.
    Maybe it is selfish, maybe it is not. Again, that is opinion. Everyone has a ‘right’ to a opinion. The whole point is that we are all unique and therefore posess unique insights into life. We are not all raised to believe in a religion or to live life by a set values placed on us by our Faith. Faith is just that, I have faith. Just not in a God. Does not make me any less of a human than someone who is Christian, Muslim, Catholic or Atheist etc.
    What is wrong is to enforce your belifes on other’s as though this is the law of the land. It may be the law of your faith but this does not give you the right to say that it is sinful to commit suicide. I know it is just not ‘you’ saying that, it’s your religion. Even so, this is just a opinion.
    Where does this fit in if you are a aetheist? Your argument, your preaching’ falls apart as I personally do not have a religious faith, so there fore I do not have to excuse my actions or listen to someone else tell me what is right or wrong. It is right or wrong according to your faith and therefore is not widely accepted by the millions who do not have a faith, do not have a God or a religion.
    ‘Anyone with the mind of Christ would not…’ Well, I do not.
    It seems pretty much everything you are saying in your reply is based on the ‘word’ of God. You are repeating what has been written and preached. I can argue the same argument against everyone one of your statements. I do not have a faith, so therefore what you say and argue is not relevant to me. So i do not wish to be judged by ‘others’ who do not share my view on life. That is just wrong. And it is selfish and naivé. All you are seemingly doing is ‘preaching’ the word of your religion without really ‘listening’ to other’s thoughts and opinions. And if you truely did so, and had a ‘open’ mind then you, in my personal opinion would not be saying the things you are saying.
    I do not believe or disbelieve, neither do I enforce my beliefs on others as a ‘first act’ of communication. No one has to explain themselves to me neither do they have to justify their thoughts or actions unless they challenge me or ask me. I will happily listen to Jevoha witnesses when they visit me, but I will not happily listen when they start ‘preaching’ here I draw the line.
    It is fair enough to spread the word to those that choose to listen.
    Whether or not it is sinful makes no odds to me im afraid as I do not have the same values you have. This makes me no less of a person.
    As far as a gift is concerned, all I know is that my parents conceived me and I was born and raised as a decent human being, without a religion. I do not consider my life a ‘gift’ based on your interpretation of it, it is mine and mine only. Call that a selfish stance, it does not matter to me.
    Anyway, I have personally seriously considered sucide. Not because I was selfish but because I was in such constant torment and despair. Ok, had I done so, for sure, my parents would be distraught, and my friends also, not just for a bit but for the rest of their lives. I know that, and I knew that then. Didn’t make the thoughts of suicide disappear.
    At the end of the day, your words reflect that of your religion, faith and God. But it does not reflect that of every single person on this earth. Fair enough if you want to judge other’s, but do so in your own thoughts or with people who share your views, but please do not make it a gross generalisation, and assume that we all live by ‘your’ values. We do not. Making your views ‘public’ as in this Blog means it is open for comment and therefore I feel it is ‘right’ for me to challenge what you say.
    Anna is spot on. What is more selfish? To expect someone to continue to live through such torment and despair because ‘you’ would miss them? Where do their ‘feelings’ come into it?
    These are my thoughts and opinions which I share because I have read your thoughts and opinions.I believe that it is ‘fair’ for me to challenge them because you seem to be ‘set’ in your beliefs, that you cannot see past your own views and readily accept those of others as having just as much ‘value’.

    • Alex said,

      March 3, 2012 at 7:10 am

      Your entire arguement reflects your religious position also. Its impossible not to. As far as the blog is concerned, its public in one snese but you are also choosing to read it, so if you find that you feel like this opinion is being forced on you the simple solution is to not read the blog.

  6. January 23, 2007 at 8:51 am

    Hi Graham,
    I respect your position. My beliefs are similar to Tosha’s but so way off the mark that I disagree with her on a lot of points (including her statement above). I haven’t been able to personally respond back to her since my life has gotten incredibly busy with work.
    In terms of my beliefs, I’m not here to proselytize or force my religion on anyone on my blog. (I have been in that background and it doesn’t garner and friends.) But I do feel that I need to give you a heads-up that you may encounter some posts from me on religion and spirituality since it’s a big part of my life. You may feel free to skip those posts, but I try to make it general enough to include food for thought. I try not to say “here, this what YOU need to do,” but at the same time, can only offer what I’ve been through and what I’ve experienced.
    I do agree with much of what you have said: “At the end of the day, your words reflect that of your religion, faith and God. But it does not reflect that of every single person on this earth.”
    I think Anna’s comments above provoke much for discussion; expect a post on it sooner rather than later.

  7. Graham Smith said,

    January 23, 2007 at 11:20 am

    I was going to ask you to ‘remove’ that post. Not had a good day and been in a foul mood whilst attempting to sort out my med’s and my problems with my consultant. Not to mention some ‘nasty’ side affects that Im dealing with. He has already refered me without discussing it with me. PLus I have reduced my Venlafaxine and the brain shivers are setting in. Guaranteed to get my moody.
    I think I have taken Tosha’s view out of context, as I had not read the original post and feel that my remarks are somewhat inflamatory. I am sure she is talking about Suicide within the confines of the Christian faith and was maybe not intended as a ‘all out attack’ against those who do not have a religion. Christian ethics and thoughts relayed to a fellow Christian, and certainly not how I interpreted it…
    I have no problem with ‘religion’, I hope that my post does not conveny that. That certainly is not the case. What I have a problem with period is being ‘preached’ too, or hearing very radical and intrenched beliefs at the expense of other peoples opinions. To which I enjoy a good debate, but usually better off with friends or in verbal manor rather than words and letters.
    Anna is my girlfriend and is Catholic, so we have no problem with this ‘i do and you don’t’ scenario. I am sure other people do, but that’s their own ‘problem’ for them to stew and gossip about. I have peldged to support her and her childrens lives and have made it clear that I will involve myself with their beliefs when I can and does not cause too much of a personal ethical conflict. And when it does crop up then I just sit back, or I’ll choose to ‘make an exception’.
    As far as your heads-up M, it’s not really needed. I am certainly here to provoke for the sake of provoking, just on reflection I think I should of ‘stayed’ out of this particular discussion.
    Like I say, I don’t believe or disbelieve and usually sit on the fence over such things and can take with a pinch of salt most things. Today just not a good day.

  8. January 23, 2007 at 11:36 am

    Sorry to hear that. I know you’ve had some funky things going on with your medication as of late – especially with your dr. so I totally understand.
    I do think Tosha is talking within the confines of a Christian view, but at the same time, I’m not into “shoving” religion on anyone. People choose what they want to believe and I am happy to answer any questions for those who’d like to know more about my faith.
    Please feel better! I hope everything works out for you…
    P.S. Maybe you need a new dr.?

  9. Graham Smith said,

    January 23, 2007 at 11:47 am

    Funky is good… 🙂
    I see my regular Doc tomorrow for a discussion about where I go as my consultant has hastily abandoned me and need some input RE coming off Venlafaxine and how to handle it. Last time it was with Prozac which I recall was a bit of a bumpy road.
    I also see a ‘new’ consultant on Thursday, so had a quick referral which is ‘positive’.
    Just in a total transision where i have had to drop Zyprexa quite abruptly and now V, so am very confused and frustrated about where I will be going from here. I would like to think I can try again, without substantial meds’ just a maintenance dose of Zispin and Lamotrogine.
    Will keep my out on this post. Am intrigued. ALso I added a link to this subject on my post, about a debate on Suicide and Religion. IF you would rather not have me do that then I’ll remove if. :0)

  10. January 23, 2007 at 11:55 am

    Hey Graham,
    It’s no problem. I find the discussion to have taken a life of its own. Never imagined that when I first started this blog.
    I don’t know what your experience is with lamotrigine, but I’ve had a good experience on it; relateively no side effects. I don’t know much about withdrawal, but for now, I’m fine. I assume Zispin has been helping you too…

  11. Remson Wood said,

    February 3, 2007 at 12:09 am

    Dear Marissa,
    Thank you for the honesty. That takes great courage. I’m simply sad that you think you are a “drama queen”…this simply demeans what is a horrible aspect of a real physiological disease and not something one encourages or prolongates. I pray you find peace.

  12. mm said,

    February 4, 2007 at 2:55 am

    Right now, I am looking for any ways to survive from commiting suicidal because since the time I was born, I never experience a happy life. My life if filled of discomfort, displease, and unfaireness. I thought that finding His promise is the only thing to survive. I asked forgiveness about it.

  13. Remson Wood said,

    February 4, 2007 at 11:17 pm

    Dear Marissa…I just read your latest entry and also your comment. Too often I am precariously perched atop that precipice, terrified I may seek the final fall. I appreciate your writing, and the difficulty of the questions you must contend with. I wasn’t trying to be negatively critical. I meant to convey empathy & support. I’m sorry if my comment sparked something else.
    May you have peace soon. Remson

  14. February 7, 2007 at 12:00 am

    “Thank you for the honesty. That takes great courage. I’m simply sad that you think you are a “drama queen”…this simply demeans what is a horrible aspect of a real physiological disease and not something one encourages or prolongates. I pray you find peace.
    Thank you, Remson.
    I am dramatic in some ways but within my illness, I feel like I take things too far. Somtimes I feel I have no control over myself but I feel like I should and that I’m weak.
    I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Psychiatry tells me that I have a medical illness caused by biological factors. Christian therapy tells me that I can reason my way through many of these things by trusting in Go.
    I think half and half are true. All mentally ill patients experience treatment benefits with therapy AND medication.
    I don’t mean to demean the illness. At times, I do feel as if I’m “acting out.” It’s like being inside a body but not being able to control it. However, it’s a lie that I tend to believe just because I’ve been told that it’s true.

  15. February 7, 2007 at 12:01 am

    “Dear Marissa…I just read your latest entry and also your comment. Too often I am precariously perched atop that precipice, terrified I may seek the final fall. I appreciate your writing, and the difficulty of the questions you must contend with. I wasn’t trying to be negatively critical. I meant to convey empathy & support. I’m sorry if my comment sparked something else.
    May you have peace soon. Remson”
    Nope, I appreciate your comments. Thanks, Remson.

  16. February 7, 2007 at 12:02 am

    “Right now, I am looking for any ways to survive from commiting suicidal because since the time I was born, I never experience a happy life. My life if filled of discomfort, displease, and unfaireness. I thought that finding His promise is the only thing to survive. I asked forgiveness about it.”
    He is big enough and loving enough to help you survive. Sometimes, it’s tought. Survival is very difficult, but we need to remind ourselves that if God hasn’t killed us yet then He must be keeping us alive for a reason. It’s difficult to see a purposeful life when we see nothing but purposelessness.
    My prayers and thoughts go out to you…
    ~ Marissa

  17. L1NDS3Y (aka brown_eyed_beauty) said,

    April 22, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    Hi! My name is Lindsey- My dad and I just had a fight…. but not about the typical father/daughter fight about curfews and drinking, but this time, about religion…. We all know (U.S. citizens) that there was recently a terrible tradgedy- the incident at Virginia Tech ….. We are fighting over, if that guy hadn’t taken his own life, and had asked for forgivness and confessed that he’d sinned, if he would’ve gone to heaven- I do agree that suicide is wrong…. but if you have no idea what I just said, he’res that point…. a little clearer…:
    man: (assuming he’s still alive)
    God- I know what I have done is wrong. I ask that you please forgive me. I want Jesus Christ to come into my heart, and lead me onto the right path. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Would God forgive the man who takes lives of over 25 innocent students, as well as many others?? Thank you so much, and God Bless!!!! :3
    If anyone who’s posted here can answer my question, pleeeeeeeeeease email me at (no spamz, pleaz, or chainmails…)

  18. L1NDS3Y (aka brown_eyed_beauty) said,

    April 22, 2007 at 9:19 pm

    sorry.. .I forgot something!!!! My prayers will be with you, and I hope you find some type of cure…. whether it be within God or within yourself- I love all of you! ( but especially the person who has this blog…) P.S. – the bunny says feel better!!!
    (~.o) < Feel
    c((")(") Better!!

  19. Cairn said,

    May 9, 2007 at 8:22 am

    I’ve been there, too. And while I can understand how people may react to suicide because of religious beliefs, it helps to understand that the person attempting or completing suicide is ill.
    They are not in a normal frame of mind. This is part of what depression is.
    Claiming that hallucinations or delusional thinking, which suicidal thinking is a form of, goes against God simply makes no sense. A person can get to a point in their illness where understanding the act may go against God is simply beyond them. It is the same as claiming belief may make a hallucination go away.

  20. kellie said,

    September 8, 2007 at 8:49 pm

    God Loves all of you and so many people do as well. Please stay with us…we need you, we want you. Help is there. Don’t give up.
    Blessings and peace in your heart!

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