Who I Am

I am a 26-year-old black female who suffers from bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the illness in November 2006. I’d been diagnosed as suffering from major depressive disorder (MDD) beginning at the age of 14. I still consider myself to suffer primarily from depression although I do have occasional manic episodes.

This blog has helped me to recognize many of the things that I am. That
I truly am more than my diagnosis and that my diagnosis does not define
me. I am not just a person with manic and depressive episodes. I am a person with a personality. I’m smart, witty, drop-dead gorgeous—okay, I wish, but I’m not ugly—musically inclined, and ambitious. And that’s just scratching the surface.

I can be happy, sad, angry, and joyful. I have so many emotions that could classify me as anything. I have a short attention span, for instance. The docs missed the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis (although I lack the hyperactivity).  I suffer from anxiety as well but not a single medical record lists me as suffering from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). So I self-diagnose. It helps me to realize that all of my flaws can pigeonhole me into any diagnosis I choose. I accept my flaws – “diagnosable” or not – and my strengths. This is my journey to learn more about myself, my diagnosis, my medical treatment, and anything relating to my personal life and general mental health.

I’m skeptical of pharmaceutical companies. I don’t hate them; however, many of their practices are shady and I—along with some of my favorite medical blogs —hope to shed light on the “unfavorable” news they choose to keep hidden from the public.

I highlight celebrities who admit to mental illnesses. Many of them suffer from depression, which is the fashionable mental illness of the moment, but others truly suffer from problems that are worth talking about.

I also write about my personal life relating to mental illness. I struggle with constant thoughts of suicide. Readers of this blog will note a pronounced emphasis on suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Feel free to read on to the next entry about my Perfectionistic Tendencies. Chronicling my journey to managing and treating my illness can hopefully aid me. And eventually, someone else.

14 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. Thanks for the CorePsychBlog note and reference. Having several other problems riding right along with the depression makes it more challenging.
    Appreciate your interesting site, and will be spending some more time over here,

  2. I am glad I have found your blog. I am a mom to a 15 year old daughter trying to get off Zoloft. I know what depression feels like (this is the one time I am thankful NOT to have health insurance- if I did, I am sure I too would be trying to get off of antidepressants) but I have no idea what my “Honey” is going through withdrawaling from Zoloft. As a Christian mom, it is a comfort to read your blog to gain some insight and wisdom as my daughter moves through this experience. THank you and take the best of care.
    Many hugs
    Amy- Honey’s mom

  3. I hired Juli Lawrence to do web work for me while I was being subjected to 14 years of psychiatric torture and slavery. In about 2004 she decided to betray me and set up a website to libel me and urge others to HATE me. She worked to alienate my then wife against me and collaborated with my psychiatric tormentors to utterly destroy my life.
    I am free now and living peacably in my own home while Lawrence hides and continues her cowardism and criminality over the supposed safety of the Internet.

  4. I am a 45 year old black female with bipolar disorder. No longer working and seeking God’s guidance in shaping my “new” views of myself. It will be fascinating to observe the perspective of one who is 20 years younger.

  5. Hi sister 🙂 ,
    I suffer from severe depression and being a Christian myself I’ve found that some may think it is somewhat easier for us. Well, it isn’t. At least not for me. Being a Christian does not exempt us from this. I know you have probably heard it before, but I too get “reminded” of it: “have trust in the Lord”. This is sometimes easier said than done.

  6. Somehow, I just stumbled upon your blog. I’m quite thankful I did. I put a link to your blog on my site in hopes that more people will hear what is being said about the world of mood disorders and the life of people living with them.

  7. I just came across your blog. Thank you so much for having the skills to write. I suffer from MDD. I am currently in a bad episode. I have two small children that I stay at home and take care of. Each day is a stuggle to get out of bed. My doc wants to put me on a new antidepressant and I just don’t want anymore drugs in my system. I am hoping that reading your blogs and others that I can find some peace inside myself. I am also a Christian but a new one and find trusting in God is not always as easy as it sounds.
    Thanks again,

  8. Hi Marissa,
    Just realized you are very young! I am some 16 years older 🙂
    Glad you are able to see yourself as more than your diagnosis. That’s very important as it frees you to be what God wants you to be.
    I am enjoying your posts. Glad your posts have helped so many people. Do take care. May God be with you always.
    Kind regards,

  9. It is 2009 and I found your site from a list of top 10 sites for 2007. Lucky me. You are a talented writer. I will be marking your site and following your story as I go through my own issues. Thanks for having the courage to create and maintain a blog. I hope it has proven to be as helpful to you as it has to me in one read.

  10. Hi,
    I’m glad to found your blog. You have a lot of blog on people with mental illness. I have been suffering from depression more that 10 years. Just started to see psychiatrist last year and she gave a diagnose. I feel alone as I haven’t met anyone with mental illness before. Thanks.

  11. Hi,
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  12. I have also been to CCEF – i can identify w/ many things you have written – i’ve been searching for some sort of intensive inpatient biblical counseling type place – got a recommendation from CCEF – i’m not sure it is quite long enough (only 3 days) and not many people (you need an “advocate” to go w/ you) is really up to the impulsive suicidal thinking – and up and down and well –
    i’m also ADHD (minus the H part) not been diagnosed bipolar – i’ve not really had the manic high –
    i have four kids – and feel like a total failure as mom – i have a great husband – and i just feel like a major liability issue/problem for him.
    he wanted to commit to a place this summer – which scared me b/c it would have been a secular type thing – and that just gives me visions of “one flew over the cuckoos nest”
    I am not far from Philly – but takes about an hour and 1/2 for me to get to CCEF. (i’m south)
    anyway – wondered as an adult, if you have ever been to a good inpatient program ?
    or – if you have had great help w/ a christian psychiatrist for meds – (i’m on adderall – but not monitored – and i think i need something other or different – but that is scary – )
    anyway – i read you don’t always check your comments – pls email me if you do i would appreciate it .

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