Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal Thoughts.

Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. They are all rolled up in one.

I am anxious about a lot of things these days. From something as mundane as sitting here typing on the computer to driving to cold calling a prospective client (which may never pan out because I’m too anxious to call right now). My anxiety has been debilitating in the past where I didn’t want to leave my home, and I fear it’s getting to the point of debilitation again on some days.

My anxiety depresses me. It keeps me from doing things that no one would think twice about. But here I sit, a prisoner in my own body, freaking out about nearly everything. To escape this, combined with my severe lethargy, I crawl into bed and sleep, hoping that when I wake up, things will be better. But they usually are not.

Please don’t get me wrong. I have a life many people would envy: a loving husband, a supportive family, and a steady job. I am thankful for the good things in my life. But this attitude of thankfulness and gratefulness doesn’t take away the depression inside of me.

I do not want to go back to the hospital. If I fear anything worse than death, it may be going back to a psych hospital. I have passing suicidal thoughts about hanging myself, but I haven’t been able to act upon it. I can’t determine whether I am a harm to myself in which case I would need to go to the hospital. The point of the hospital (for me) is to get me away from things that would cause immediate harm to myself. But I can’t be locked up in a hospital forever. (I guess I could in a state institution but that would be a nightmare.)

Somehow, existing in this jumbled mix is me. Somewhere inside, I am bubbly, wonderfully wacky, and beautifully strange. The depression and anxiety fuzz all of that. I am only some of what I used to be. I go to sleep, hoping for some kind of reprieve from this dark cloud that hangs over me.

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12 Comments

  1. April 22, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    I can relate to your torment. I’ve had depression most of my adult life.
    I havre a wonderful nutiritionist who recommended thyroid, iodine, and vitmamin supplementation. Anxiety is still an issue, but the symptoms of depression are much abated, including sleep issues. My familuy doctor also did a neurotransmitter test on me and prescribed various supplements to address deficiiences. Another test called an iodine loading test, established low levels of iodine. Iodine supplementation has helped a lot. I wish you luck.

  2. Elizabeth said,

    April 27, 2012 at 12:00 am

    Those thoughts are constantly with me, too. Most of the time I am completely dysfunctional, and hide myself away from the world so they can’t see it. I can say this, if you can still recognize that inside yourself is a “bubbly, wonderfully wacky, and beautifully strange” person, then there is still some hope and something to work toward. That bit of self-knowledge is huge and beautiful. Psych hospital stays are rotten, but nowadays they tend to be only for a couple weeks, unless you go to a state hospital (and trust me from experience, you do want to stay away from that).

    • m worzel said,

      April 28, 2012 at 9:32 am

      have been lookin for this kind of site where “someone like me” can be honest about how hopeless they feel, and how much- death seems like it would be such a relief. have struggled w depression nd anxiety about 25 yrs, now add cancer to it, doesnt give you much incentive to live–but no one -only my caring dr- understands that. now i find out my dr will be away 3 wks– not a problem-for “normal’ people. ive never figured out what normal is. just wanted to have some kinda life–too tired to fight anymore– yeah ive attempted it before– hopefully nexttime ill get it rite.

      • regina said,

        May 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

        I am praying for you all that you are able to fight and find comport in your heart and mind! May God be with you all!

  3. Nicci said,

    July 3, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    I can relate to your struggles. It’s so ironic because it really is all in your mind. The things I stress out about and get depressed about…”normal” people don’t even notice. My low self-esteem..with all my blessings it just doesn’t make any sense. Everyone see’s me as confident and poised. It’s amazing that they have no idea about my internal struggles. The days I don’t want to even leave the house or see anyone. I feel like I’m an imposter. I know I have a great life but I just don’t know how to enjoy it right now. I’m in the process of adjusting my meds for my anxiety and depression and just started ADHD medicine. I’m also seeing a counselor. I really hope and pray I can feel happy and joyful on a consistent basis. This mere existence isn’t worth living.

  4. DorisX said,

    July 9, 2012 at 5:11 am

    Nothing is too hard for God. I have experienced anxiety and depression for a lifetime. It is only with my close relationship with God that I’ve been able to overcome the anxieties of life and feel that I have power over them. It is liberating. I pray you know God and that you will let the divine power that he pours into us be your strength. He sent His son so that we may have life and have it in abundance. God bless you. I believe that’s your missing link. I know it was mine.

  5. July 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Hi, thank you for sharing such honest thoughts and feelings and voice them for so many others out there. As you see in the comments above you are certainly not the only one who experiences this sense of confusion, anxiety and depressive states. I am an art therapist and work a lot with clients who suffer from depression and anxiety (and other issues). Sometimes their images are cheerful as they may find themselves in a ‘stable and happy’ phase and several times it can represent the intense fear of life and a sense that everything is just impossible and out of their reach. An image that stayed in my mind for a long time was a painting of a black hole… created by a scientist who had suffered from depression for many years. The explanation was as followed: the black hole sucks in all that is around but won’t allow anything to leave anymore… a sense of being stuck, frozen in this state.

    Is any of you creative? If not can you imagine how you would create a picture of your current state of mind? What colours would you use? Where would you place them on the paper? Imagine yourself painting it, how does it feel to paint it?

    If you would like some more info on exercises and art therapeutic support please feel free to ask! Anniek

    • Leigh said,

      August 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm

      Any other ideas about expressing yourself creatively to ease the pain? I used to use water colors and draw what came to mind-like a child. It helped me express to the world and to myself my intense emotions without having to talk about it.

  6. adam said,

    July 29, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    it was really interesting

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    December 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

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  8. Jesse said,

    March 13, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    I am having these same issues. I really need help. And I don’t know what to do. I am at my last stand with this. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Suicidal ideations. It won’t stop I’m stuck. I do not know what to do….I need help.

  9. October 9, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    I had this kind of issue last 3 years ago, it was terrible and I was so depressed. But my doctor advised me to think of good memories of my childhood, and to go out with a friend. After a few months I was okay again.


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